<<

 

 

 

Mirjana Ojdanić

 

 

THE MASTER

OF THE GAME

 

(the comedy of dreams)

 

 

 

 

Dedicated to my grandmothers,

Pisces.

 

 

 

 

Belgrade 1996

 

Translation: Dobrila Nikolić

Proofreading: Philip Aston

 

 

 

 

 

CHARACTERS

 

NATHALIE CHABAR, adventurer. Born on 15  April 1909 , ARIES.

 

EMILY CHABAR DEBILE, housewife. Natalieís daughter and Valeryís  mum. Born on 29  June 1929 , CANCER.

 

VALERY DEB, ( married Smith, now divorced), self portrait painter.  Born on 6  August 1951 , LEO.

 

OLOMIR CUTTER, the buyer of Valeryís paintings, and her boring admirer.         Psychiatrist. Born on 29  November 1953 , SAGITTARIUS.

 

STARKY DEB, Valerysí son and Angelaís twinbrother.    Born on 19  February 1975  at 11.55. p.m. in the last minutes of  AQUARIUS.

 

ANGELA DEB, Valeryís daughter, Starkyís twinsister. A pet girl in the       family. Born in the first minutes of 20  February 1975 , PISCES.

 

MICKY BUMPER DRILL,  Angelaís would-be husband. An important and     suspicious type. Born on 01  May 1959 , TAURUS.

 

LUCKY SMITH, Angelaís and Starkyís father and Valeryís ex husband.( At       the age of 25, as he appears in Starkyís dreams he resembles his         son, and should be acted by the same actor. And at the age of 47        he looks like a good-for-nothing.) Born on 22 May 1949.  GEMINI.

 

LITTLE VIOLET SMITH, Luckyís third wife.         Born on 29  October 1960 , SCORPIO.

 

PEACEMAKER,  MARTIANS (2), MICKYíS BODYGUARDS (4),

(extras)

 

 

 

 

 

      Scene 1 - A PEACEMAKER FROM A DREAM

 

Valery is painting a big Self-protrait with a blue rose, in her studio. Good classic rock music is heard. Emily enters, pulling by his ear a man in a camouflage uniform with a helmet, armed to the teeth. Another kind of music intrudes.

 

EMILY: How much longer am I going to suffer?

VALERY: You suffer from something?

EMILY: And whatís this? Why havenít you taught your son not to      sleep at noon, but at night like all normal people?

VALERY: My son sleeps at noon?

EMILY: Heís so odd. He sleeps like a top!

VALERY: And you suffer because of his sleeping?

EMILY: I suffer everything in this house, everything that nobody else could stand.

VALERY: Does he snore?

EMILY: I can stand him sleeping and snoring, but I canít stand him dreaming any more!

VALERY: Mum, let the child dream, and let me work.

EMILY: How much longer is he going to be a child? When he was a little boy, I used to find witches in each wardrobe. He used to dream snakes in my slippers, insects under the pillows.

VALERY: OK mum, youíll talk to me about it later.

EMILY: When he was in his teens, I couldnít piss in the bathroom, because there were his naked Hollywood stars around.

VALERY: Mum, he is a grown up person, talk to him. Leave me alone.

EMILY: No one can grow up dreaming! How could I talk to him when heís fast asleep?

VALERY: I donít know how! Wake him up, but leave me alone!

EMILY: Heís sleeping as if heís drugged, and look what he is dreaming about!

 

Valery pays attention a little for the first time.

 

VALERY: And you, of course, know again what heís dreaming....

EMILY: I donít know. I only see.

 

Valery goes on painting.

 

VALERY: Oh, Iíve forgotten that you can see what heís dreaming! Well, you neednít go to the cinema then.

EMILY: Donít pretend you donít understand what Iím talking about! Look what heís brought to our house in his dreams. A peacemaker! Look at him! Heís armed to the teeth! He may have parked his tank on the yard!

VALERY: Well, now all peacemakers are armed to the teeth. Thatís the new fashion. Gandhi passed away a long time ago, havenít you heard? They donít park tanks in the yards any longer but in the cornfields.

 

The peacemaker behaves as if he is on manoeuvres or at his sentry post.

 

EMILY: He must have filled even his teeth with a mine. Open your mouth and let me see! Iím fed up watching them on the TV news every day.  I donít need them in my house!

VALERY: You neednít watch them on the news! Thatís the solution! Turn the TV set off, and donít try to turn my son off. Let him dream freely!

EMILY: I went into the larder to take some potatoes. And whom do you think I saw there? The peacemaker eating tins!

VALERY: Your tins?

EMILY: Mine, of course! Who else in this house thinks about what our doubtful future may bring?

VALERY: Donít you worry then. If heís eaten your tins he wonít last long. They were out of date in the last decade.

EMILY: You are kidding me?!

VALERY: Mum, have you thought about visiting a doctor.

EMILY: You think that Iím crazy?

VALERY: Iím not an expert on that problem.

EMILY: It means, you donít see again, this one either?

VALERY: Whom?

EMILY: The gay one!

VALERY: I canít see anyone but you, and even that is too much for me!

EMILY: Well, I should see a doctor because youíre blind.

VALERY: And why do you say Iím blind?

EMILY: Because you donít see anything but yourself and your shitty paintings. Fuck people who say that artists are sensitive, that they can see and feel everything!

VALERY: Many people donít think my paintings are shitty!

EMILY: Well, thatís the first proof that the worldís gone completely insane! The fact that they buy other peopleís selfportraits! Well, why should a  normal person want to have somebody elseís selfportrait?

VALERY: Itís the artist that matters, not a model!

EMILY: A selfportrait painter! What a profession!

VALERY: And couch sitter, or TV watcher, what kind of a profession is that? Let me see what youíve made with your hands in the 66 years of your life! Thatís why you hallucinate, because you donít do anything! God has created a man to work!

EMILY: All that I prepare you eat up! You even donít see how much I work. Iíve served both you and your children.

VALERY: What do you do? You go round the house moving things from one place to another so that we have to ask you where the comb is, where the toothpaste is, to complain how we canít live without you. That is your strategy to be indispensable, but in fact you donít work anything!

EMILY: Is my strategy that you all get up as if you are at a hotel and sit at breakfast? Have you made youíre bed ever? Have you ever washed your plate? Do you think itís made and served by itself? And I donít do anything!

VALERY: I remind you that you all eat like wolves, thanks to what I earn by selling my shitty paintings.

EMILY: I see! I eat like a wolf! After all you object to my eating. You criticise the way I sit, the way I think, the way I feel and now the way I eat! God sees everything!

 

Emily shuts all doors and blinds in her head. She raises the drawbridges of her forbidden town, she retreats slamming the door strongly. As the door is

slammed, the light flashes and the peacemaker disappears. Valery, who has restrained herself from losing her temper, now bursts out arguing with

God as with an equal person and a present one.

 

VALERY: Whatís the matter? Can you see or not? Well, how long do you plan to go on like this? Iím not here for ever. Well, youíve given me talent, youíve given me beauty and charm for three women at  least. Thank you for the money too. O.K. youíve given me beautiful children too, but why have you cheated me with such a crazy mother?  I canít understand! What do you need it for, if you are so great and mighty as you like it to be said about you! Itís not fair to screw me only because Iím not a believer!

 

Natalie enter dangerously calm. Valery turns back to her painting.

 

NATALIE: Artist, do you know that my child is crying?

VALERY: I know that your child is 66. The devil number!

NATALIE: And you donít know why sheís crying?

VALERY: Iíve never managed to find out the senseless reasons for her tears.  She cries for all reasons, as the wind blows, as the moon shines. She cries in a ďlíart pour líartĒ way!

NATALIE: But in a mysterious way her tears have always something to do with your actions. Tell me about the previous five minutes.

VALERY: Five minutes of what?

NATALIE: Five minutes of your precious life!

VALERY: Well, Iíve just asked God how I could deserve such a crazy mum, but Iíve omitted to ask how he could deceive me with such a weird grandma!

NATALIE: Weíre going to talk about ď weirdĒ afterwards. Iím not interested in your intimacy with God - but whatís happened to Emily?

VALERY: Nothing, as usual. I was painting calmly, when she came in, with  that hallucination of hers, about what my son was dreaming of, and she attacked me.

NATALIE: And in your self-defence, youíve broken her soul.

VALERY: Youíre a mother too, you know what it is like when someone bothers your child.

NATALIE: I know. Youíve been mistreating my child for 45 years!

VALERY: Granny, sheís crazy! Why donít you want to admit it? Well, itís not a shame any more! Thereíre so many insane people, waving the  medical findings of their mental incompetence.

NATALIE: Sheís not crazy, sheís sensitive! But you donít want to understand it, being egoistic and rough!

VALERY: People today see a mad doctor in for less sensitive problems for  example, because of pissing in bed, or nail biting.

NATALIE: I won't allow you to compare the sensitivity of my child with bed pissing or nail biting!

VALERY: And I wonít allow spying upon my childís dreams!

NATALIE: She doesnít spy upon anything. Those dreams torture her! He  imposes his dreams on her!

VALERY: He imposes them on her and not on anyone else. Can you see those torturing dreams of his?

NATALIE: I canít, but I realise that she can!

VALERY: Miracles happen only to her!

NATALIE: Miracles happen to those who believe in them!

VALERY: I also believe in miracles but I donít spy on other peopleís dreams. I have my own.

NATALIE: The only miracle you believe in is your genius and nothing else. The whole universe revolves round your poorly tied navel! There hasnít been such an egocentric person in our family since 1709 when Warrior Chabar sold his father to a Venetian Galley.

VALERY: Either she is going to see a shrink or Iím going to take her yself!

NATALIE: You are capable of selling your own mother! The same as Warrior!

VALERY: Nothing like that! Warrior was given a gold money bag for his father and Iíll have to pay three money bags to cure Emily, if she can be cured at all!

NATALIE: You canít see any similarity, for youíve turned everything upside down.

VALERY: Whoís ďweĒ?

NATALIE: You who rule over the second half of this fucking century! We all used to call the coming of 50 000 foreign soldiers - occupation, only you call it ďpeacemakingĒ!

VALERY: And you can come back to your Golden Middle Ages called Dark Ages for being so sunny!

NATALIE: Someone, who like you claims high originality should know that teasing old people at their age is not especially original!

VALERY: Grandma, do you realise what youíre spending your last minutes on? You may pass away at any moment!

NATALIE: I insist upon your persuading your son to sleep at night like all normal people.

VALERY: You know very well that ď normal behaviourĒ is the last thing Iím going to plead for. Shut the door from the outside, and let me earn our bread!

NATALIE: Emily has the right to live in peace!

VALERY: If she mentions my sonís dreams once again, Iíll take her to the psychiatrist, tied up if necessary!

NATALIE: You can kiss her ass as long as I live!

VALERY: It could be in another five minutes, be realistic!

NATALIE: Shame on you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Iím going to leave this dictator house, at the cost of my marrying again! Iím going to leave, and Iím going to take my child with me, and let you and you bastards eat fast food!

 

Natalie leaves in a terrible anger and slams the door with a strength inadequate to her age. Valerieís painting falls off the easel and frightens her.

 

VALERY: Screw you all,old witches! Iíll show you!

         Iíll have a sliding door made!

 

 

 

     Scene 2 - THE SMELL OF ATMOSPHERE AND SOUP

 

Emily serves dinner to Starky and Angela in the dining room.

 

EMILY: What do you say? How does the soup smell?

ANGELA: Your soup is wonderful, granny.

EMILY: You are my comfort. You are the only one who loves your granny.  And you, Starky, do you like the soup?

STARKY: Iím sick of admiring ordinary soup every day.

ANGELA: Grannyís soup is not an ordinary one.

STARKY: I can hardly wait for the time when weíll have one pill daily, instead of ordinary food.

EMILY: Is it hard for you to chew dumplings?

STARKY: It isnít hard, but it is absurd. When I think only of 21 years, three times a day, for 15 minutes, that makes 69 975 minutes. In seventy thousand minutes, by the speed of light, I could have reached up to...

EMILY: And you didnít count the time you waste sleeping? 21 years multiplied by 600 minutes a day, comes to two million and 499, 000 minutes that you've wasted. Two and a half million minutes. You couldíve grown up in that period.

STARKY: I couldíve grown up if you had let me, but you wouldnít let me breathe! As if you will never grow old if I donít grow up.

ANGELA: Granny, you are a reincarnation of Mileva Einstein. That idea hasnít occurred to him, because his scientists have already found a substitute for food, but they havenít found a substitute for sleeping yet. Although it doesnít mean they wonít find it. Thatís a great idea.

EMILY: Are the steaks tender?

ANGELA: The most tender in the world.

EMILY: My beauty!

ANGELA: Whatís mum doing?

EMILY: Sheís painting as usual... And a customer has come calling.

ANGELA: And in what kind of mood is she?

EMILY: As usual..

ANGELA: What do you mean by "as usual"?

EMILY: Well, like a dictator, like a terrorist...

ANGELA: I should tell her that Iím getting married, so Iím picking the right moment.

STARKY: Speaking about a terrorist, it seems that I dreamed about a terrorist a few minutes ago, but he seemed to be somehow uninterested.

EMILY; Heís not a terrorist! All we need is a terrorist!

STARKY: I beg your pardon?

EMILY: Never mind.

STARKY: It seems to me that I dreamed even you...

EMILY: You didnít dream about me!

ANGELA: What do you think? Is she going to eat me up if I tell her now?

EMILY: Who?

ANGELA: Valery, if I tell her that Iíve made up my mind to get married. What do you think? Is she going to swallow me?

EMILY: In one bite!

ANGELA: Do you think so?

EMILY: Iím sure!

STARKY: Who are you marrying now?

ANGELA: Well, Micky...

EMILY: I donít like Micky at all. Iím sorry, baby.

ANGELA: Granny, youíre not the one thatís getting married.

EMILY: When a girl doesnít have a father she always falls in love with one old fart. He is 15 years older than you!

ANGELA: Only 14, but he looks very well.

EMILY: Yes, from his back, but his nose is old. That is as clear as any-thing..

 

Angela is laughing.

 

STARKY: What have you found in him?

ANGELA: He is so brave, careful and strong. He is as firm as a rock. He released me from Charlie, who behaved as an occupier!

STARKY: If you marry everyone who releases you from your former boy friend, weíre going to have a Trojan War. Thatís childish.

EMILY: Iíd be more afraid of the liberator than the occupier. You know what Brana C said.:Ē Iím not afraid of occupiers, they come and you drive them away in a few years time. O, Lord save me from  liberators, they stay for ever!Ē

ANGELA: Thatís a witty political aphorism but it has nothing to do with this.

EMILY: All the things are related to each other, if you work it out. And you are a clever girl.

ANGELA: Today Micky will come to ask me to marry him. I donít know whether I should warn Valery.

STARKY: Youíd better warn him.

ANGELA: He knows who he is dealing with. He has tact.

STARKY: Even if you persuaded me for days, Iíd never believe that. ( he gets up) I'm going to sleep for some time.

EMILY: Good Lord!

STARKY: Why? I haven't slept all night.

EMILY: Why don't you sleep at night like all normal people?

STARKY: Because I'm not a normal man. ( He leaves)

EMILY: Youíre not a man at all, but a brat.

STARKY: ( comes back) That's because all you let me do was only to grow taller. If a man wants to grow up it isnít enough to let him eat. You should let me think.

EMILY: You should be permitted to do something but your beloved mummy wouldnít allow it. She likes you to depend on her!

STARKY: Let mummy alone, she doesn't even notice me. You put pressure on me. Change your socks, cut your nails, breath through your nose, shut the window, put on your slippers, button up your shirt...  (Starky leaves.)

EMILY: If socks are your way of growing up, you can wear them till they begin to stink. I'm not going to buy them for you any more.

ANGELA: Don't worry he hasnít slept enough...

EMILY: I won't. Why should I be the only one who worries.

ANGELA: Iím going to sniff Valeryís mood and judge the moment. ( She moves, but then comes back and kisses granny) Your dinner was wonderful, granny!

EMILY: Thank you my dear, without you all my work would be useless.

ANGELA: Do you want a cigarette?

EMILY: Yes, please, but don't tell Natalie.

ANGELA: Why are you afraid of your mum, you are not a little girl any more.

EMILY: I know, but I don't want her to worry.

ANGELA: I love you, ciao.

 

 Angela leaves. Natalie enters.

 

NATALIE: Are we going to have that tea?

 

         Scene 3. - A CUSTOMER, MAECENAS, BOREDOM

 

Valery is finishing her Selfportrait with a blue rose. Olomir is hanging around trying to attract her attention and succeeds only in knocking over something. He manages at any rate to draw her atention.

 

OLOMIR: And how much is this one?

VALERY: That one doesnít  have a price, it hasnít been finished yet.

OLOMIR: It doesnít matter, I like it just as it is now. Tell me any price. I wonít mind, any price you say.

VALERY: I must finish it first.

OLOMIR: You neednít finish it because I want to buy it just as it is now.

VALERY: Sir... What did you say your name was?

OLOMIR: Youíve forgotten my name again! Although I come every Friday!

VALERY: Iím sorry.

OLOMIR: Olomir Cutter, you can call me Oly, or Cutty.

VALERY: Sir, creativity has its rules and I must finish the painting so that it has some purpose.

OLOMIR: You must, but Rembrant didnít have to.

VALERY: I donít care for that painter of fat buttocky ladies. Anyway if he hadnít finished something it means he died then, but Iím still alive.

OLOMIR: But you may spoil something!

VALERY: You mean that I may spoil my picture? You are an idiot!

OLOMIR: I didnít want to offend you. I mean, what do you need an eye on  the shoulder, for, when you already have one on the profile, and one on the forehead. If you put one on the elbow, it will look like Cyclops, ha, ha...

VALERY: Restrain your wittiness vis-a'-vis Cyclops.

OLOMIR: Why donít you sell the painting to me as it is now? It will hang wonderfully on my staircase.

VALERY: On your staircase?!

OLOMIR: Thereís no room anywhere else. Everything is full.

VALERY: If you donít have a worthy space, stop buying pictures!

OLOMIR: If I stop, whoíll buy your pictures?

VALERY: What do you mean?

OLOMIR: I buy all of them. Donít pretend not to know it!

VALERY: Do you want to say that Iím your private painter?!

OLOMIR: Oh no. Youíre angry with me again, but Iím the most faithful admirer of your pictures and of your personality.

VALERY: The most faithful doesnít mean the only one!

OLOMIR: Yes, but I understand best all your ideas and aspirations.  Iím like your Maecenas.

VALERY: What kind of Maecenas? You arenít the Pope!

OLOMIR: But you arenít Michelangelo either! Iím sorry.

VALERY: You are an ordinary customer and if you continue behaving so tactlessly I wonít let you come to my studio again. You can drag yourself around galleries instead.

 

Angela enters and grasps the situation immediately, so she doesnít interfere but waits for a better opportunity.

 

OLOMIR: Valery cherie, why are you so cruel to me?

 

Olomir becomes nervous and spills yellow oil paint.

 

VALERY: Donít call me Valery cherie! It drives me mad to hear it! And why have you spilt my yellow paint? You are so terribly clumsy!

 

Olomir takes off his shawl and even his coat, and wipes the spilt paint off.

 

OLOMIR: Iím sorry I didnít want to. Iíll buy you three yellow paint and opaque and green too! If only you forgive me. Iím really clumsy, when youíre so cruel to me!

VALERY: Donít spread it out on the floor! How can I wash it afterwards?

OLOMIR: Itís dirty all over here anyway. Iíd rather not step on it.

VALERY: (notices Angela) Hello, dear, when did you arrive?

ANGELA: Iíve been here for a while; I didnít want to interrupt!

VALERY: You can never interrupt me. Come here and let me kiss you.

ANGELA: I can come a bit later.

VALERY: Mr. Olomir Cutterís just leaving.

OLOMIR: Iím not leaving... why should I?

VALERY: Youíre just going home. You have duties.

OLOMIR: I have no duties. Iíve finished all of them, and Iím at your disposal.

VALERY: But, Iím busy! Canít you understand?

OLOMIR: I can, absolutely. I can understand everything, but Iíve come to buy a picture, and Iíve not bought it.

ANGELA: Itís all right, mum. I can come later. Iím here.

VALERY: Listen man, you canít buy a picture, as Iím preparing them for the exhibition. When the exhibition is over...

OLOMIR: But the Selfportrait with a Blue Rose, isnít going to be exhibited,thatís what youíve said.

VALERY: But Iíve also told you that itís not finished yet! And donít make me pretend to be a tape recorder! I donít want to repeat my self any longer!

OLOMIR: I donít know why you keep on repeating yourself, when Iíve told  you I donít mind itís being unfinished. I want it just as it is!

VALERY: I donít care what you want! Let me talk to my child!

OLOMIR: But, if I donít buy anything this week, what are you going to  live on?!

VALERY: None of your business, you boring man!

OLOMIR: Excuse me, I didnít know I was boring. I only wanted...

ANGELA: Itís not urgent, mum, we can talk later.

OLOMIR: Of course, of course, I donít want to interfere, but if the young lady isnít in a hurry, then I can ...

VALERY: Mr. Cutter, if you donít leave my studio right now, Iíll paint you green with pink spots, so you can hang yourself on your fucking   staircase!

OLOMIR: (to Angela) What a temperament you mother has!

ANGELA; Donít blame her, thatís the way she is.

OLOMIR: I donít blame her ofcourse, but itís not easy.

VALERY: Youíre still here?

OLOMIR: Iím leaving now, but Iím coming next Friday. I suppose itís going  to be finished. Good-bye young lady. Good-bye Valery-cherie! (Olomir leaves rather upset. Then he comes back.) Iíve left my little hat... ( He leaves finally.)

ANGELA: I bet he wonít be able to find the way out! Poor man. Heís crazy about you.

VALERY: Heís crazy even without me! What did you want?

ANGELA: Nothing. Heís made you upset.

VALERY: Play me something.

 

             Scene 4. - LIVE DREAMS

 

NATALIE: Are we going to have that tea?

EMILY: I donít know! Starkyís going to sleep again.

NATALIE: You are afraid?

EMILY: Yes, I am.

NATALIE: Donít be. Those are only dreams. He canít harm you.

EMILY: Shall I go to town till itís  all over?

NATALIE: Donít run away. Itís worse. Donít worry. Iím here.

EMILY: I cant watch it any longer. And you know what Valery is up to if I mention it once again.

NATALIE: Valeryís going to kiss your ass! Donít talk to her about it, and there'll be no problem.

EMILY: I can keep my mouth shut, but what if he has frightening dreams, so that I must scream?!

NATALIE: If only I could see it! Do stay here, so that I can have it "live".

EMILY: What "live"?

NATALIE: Well, live dream. Itís not the same when you talk to me afterwards. If itís live, thatís something special! Please, do it. Iím going to put the kettle on.

EMILY: Iíd rather not be here...

NATALIE: Donít be a coward.

EMILY: At night, I can escape to my own dreams at least.

NATALIE: Look at it from the better side. You have power like nobody else. Donít be feeble-kneed.

EMILY: All right, but if only you would stay beside me.

NATALIE: Is he going right now?

EMILY: What?

NATALIE: To begin to dream.

EMILY: I donít know. Perhaps heís reading something.

NATALIE: And how long does it take him to fall asleep, if he reads?

EMILY: Three pages if the book is serious.

NATALIE: Weíll wait that long.

EMILY: Sugar?

NATALIE: And milk too, please... Iíll have to arange a meeting here tomorrow. We failed to hire a hall.

EMILY: What kind of meeting?

NATALIE: Iíve formed my own party. Iíve told you about it.

EMILY: I though youíre kidding. A political party?

NATALIE: Well, of course, every idiotís got his own party.

EMILY: You arenít an idiot, mum!

NATALIE: No, Iím not! But I havenít had a better idea about how to spend my free time.

EMILY: Youíre not going to take part in politics seriously at your age?

NATALIE: All people at my age are engaged in politics. Donít you watch TV? Each summit is like a meeting of the gerontology club. They attempted to assassinate a hundred year old president, and suspense rises as people wait for him to survive. As if it wasnít better for him to die by assassination than from a pimple on his ass. I only mind their absence of dignity and style.

EMILY: Youíve always taught us that politics is the worst vice, in fact power.

NATALIE: Just for that reason, I canít choose vice at my age. A doctorís forbidden me to smoke, saying, Iím can to live for a life time, if I give up smoking. Youíve forbidden me alcohol Ďcause I make trouble when I drink. Men of my age are incapable of sex, and young men are put off by my age, so they avoid me. Only politics and gambling are available to me. Gambling requires a lot of money, thatís why all people are engaged in politics. People must have some vice.

EMILY: I havenít got any vices, but Iím still alive!

NATALIE: Yes, youíve got some, but I like you and I donít want to bother you...  If only he would start?

EMILY: Who do you mean start, mum? And what?

NATALIE: Well, dream, what are we waiting for? You forget things easily, my child. How about taking those pills again?

EMILY: Do you have any programme for that party of yours?

NATALIE: Iíll think up something before the elections.

EMILY: Are you going to run for president?

NATALIE: Of course. Not to the city council!

EMILY: But you donít have any chance without a party programme! The raceís already started.

NATALIE: Iíve got that part of the programme which is common to all parties.

EMILY: And whatís common to all parties?

NATALIE: The fact they want to take over power. And wonderful promises are for the naive. Iíll think of something shining and colourful before the elections.

 

Two enormous men enter. Emily gets frightened.

 

EMILY: Mum, itís started.

NATALIE: ( closes her eyes and is all ears) Whatís going on? Tell  me quickly!

EMILY: Two orang-utangs are coming in!

NATALIE: The idiot is dreaming about monkeys.

EMILY: No, two enormous men. Theyíre so ugly, one canít bear to look at them.

NATALIE: Whatíre they doing?

EMILY: Theyíre sniffing around the house as if looking for something... One is peeping into the oven.

NATALIE: He may be hungry...

EMILY: If you only knew how enormous he is! He may want only blood!

NATALIE: Our Starky must be a coward as he dreams of gorillas all the time. I hope heís not a gay!

EMILY: Iím surprised thereís no music.

NATALIE: What kind of music?

EMILY: His dreams are always followed by music.

NATALIE: It means heís sensitive. Does he have colour dreams?

EMILY: Yes, colour. Mum, theyíre armed!

NATALIE: Donít be afraid, Iím here!

EMILY: Theyíre approaching us!

NATALIE: ( opens her eyes) I can see them too. I can see dreams. Do you see what desire, will and concentration can do. Hurrey!

EMILY: Do you realise now how awful it is?

NATALIE: Donít be a child! They canít harm you!

 

Gorillas come closer to them. They search them silently, as if they had the right to do that, and as if they were dolls.

 

NATALIE: Oh, you, what are you doing?

EMILY: Muumuu...

NATALIE: Look at the ass! Release me!

 

When they searched everything the gorillas went away through the other door.

 

NATALIE: What happened? Whereíve they gone?

EMILY: I donít know. Mum...

NATALIE: Letís follow them to see.

EMILY: Wait a moment, mum. Iím afraid it wasnít a dream.

NATALIE: Youíre afraid when itís a dream, youíre afraid when itís not. You behave as if youíre not at home.

 

                 Scene 5.- TEA MADE OF MEMORIES

 

It continues on from the scene 3.

 

ANGELA: Nothing, heís made you upset.

VALERY: Play me, something

 

Angela starts to play. She keeps on doing it for a while, Valery paints.

 

ANGELA: Mum, youíve never told me about your getting married to dad...

VALERY: Whatís there to talk about?

ANGELA: Tell me anyway...

VALERY: I got married in 5 minutes and it took me a whole year to get divorced.

ANGELA: He still loved you? He didnít want to give you a divorce?

VALERY: He wanted, but the state didnít.

ANGELA: Why the state?

VALERY: Because of you two. The state wanted to know who exactly was going to support the children. Lucky was a student, and I was at the beginning of a career that doesnít earn any bread.

ANGELA: What does it have to do with the state?
VALERY: Well, you see, when the parents run away, the children become orphans and the state has to take care of them and thereís no state which likes to waste its money on orphans instead of buying weapons...

ANGELA: Youíre so gloomy. Iím surprised that you use colours at all in your paintings. Thatís not logical. It would take more than a hundred years for thousands of orphans to eat up a single test bomber that could eventually crash on its first test flight.

VALERY: But, thereís no commission on feeding orphans.

ANGELA: I donít understand...

VALERY: The producers of orphans donít give commission, the producers of weapons do. Do you get it now?

ANGELA: Yes, but I didnít ask you about getting divorce from the state!  I asked how you got married to dad.

VALERY: It was easy, there are photos somewhere in the attic. Iíll show them to you once...

ANGELA: Iíve seen the photos. I want to hear the story!

VALERY: O.K. then, if you want it right now... Anyway I had thought to have a little chat with you about contraception.

ANGELA: Mum!

VALERY: Yes, dear!

ANGELA: Tell me about the wedding!

VALERY: Yes, Iím going to. At that time contraception was not quite reliable...

ANGELA: You mean to say, that you had to marry because of us two...

VALERY: I didnít know there were two of you at the time. I was still suspicious of ultra-sound.

ANGELA: You thought there was only Starky?

VALERY: I thought there was only you.

ANGELA: Youíre just trying to comfort me because youíve disappointed me.

VALERY: To disappoint a girl at your age is the easiest thing in the world.

ANGELA: Iíd never thought you married just because you were pregnant, like a little peasant girl. I find it hard to believe that you werenít even in  love.

VALERY: Who told you that? I was madly in love! I pressed and kept in my note-book the leaves he had stepped on..

ANGELA: Thatís what I want to hear! How did you get to know him?

VALERY: Whom?

ANGELA: Lucky, good Lord! My daddy!

VALERY: Iíve never got to know him! Heís remained unknown to me.

ANGELA: Not that, but how did you fall in love with him?!

VALERY: At first sight. It was like lightning.

ANGELA: Thatís the story I want to hear!

VALERY: Although he claimed afterwards that I lied because it took me half a year to notice him. He said I couldnít even remember his name.

ANGELA: Tell me the truth. Was it at first sight or had you known each other for six months?

VALERY: Weíd known each other for six months, but it was at first sight.

ANGELA: Donít kid me!

VALERY: Iím not kidding you! I still remember. I graduated with the highest marks , but it was a great effort. I stepped out of the  University building and the street was shinny. I felt empty, helpless and somehow frightened. I didnít know what to do next. I had overcome all the obstacles, and finally I didnít realise why... Then I met him and he was extremely handsome... It was at first sight, I  tell you.

ANGELA: And half a year before that, you didnít notice he was handsome?

VALERY: Thatís what he claimed afterwards.

ANGELA: And after that you probably threw away all the leaves he walked on, just because he made you angry about something.

VALERY: No, I didnít.  Emily crumbled the leaves to make tea at the time of some great crisis...

ANGELA: Emily had tea out of your memories?

VALERY: Thatís right. You know nothing about Emily!

 

Angela stops playing. Valery still paints.

 

ANGELA: Are you in better mood now?

VALERY: Yes, I am, why do you ask?

ANGELA: Because Iíve decided to get married.

VALERY: Are you serious?

ANGELA: Yes, I am.

VALERY: Why?

ANGELA: One usually asks ďwho toĒ ?

VALERY: All I want to know is: WHY?

ANGELA: Because Iíve fallen in love!

VALERY: My dear child, when people fall in love, they simply make love. They donít have to marry.

ANGELA: I know that. I donít have to, but I want to.

VALERY: For what reason?

ANGELA: Because... because... because I want to!

VALERY: Thatís not an answer. You donít know why - it means, in fact, that you donít really want to marry!

ANGELA: I want to, I know I want to! Mickyís going to come today.

VALERYĒ When a girl like you prepares and plays her first great concert she normally starts to feel something called ďthe finished work syndromeĒ. Itís a depressing syndrome, usually harmless, except that  you can fall in love with the first fool that turns up.

ANGELA: My Micky is not a fool.

VALERY: I didnít say you were aware of his being a fool.

ANGELA: After all, Iím not that kind of a woman, that falls in love when  she has nothing better to do!

VALERY: All women are of that kind. Itís pure chemistry. Some women  fall in love in September, some in December, many of them in May, and artists at the time of the ďfinished work syndromeĒ.

ANGELA: ( ironically) How romantic!

VALERY: Romantic or not, thatís how it is.

ANGELA: Whether it is or not, Iím going to marry anyway!

VALERY: I donít think itís clever.

ANGELA: Why should I be the only one that's obliged to be clever?!

VALERY: Itís so sad that experience isnít transferred...

ANGELA: Itís not sad! If experience were transferable, we shouldnít live at all. The fact that Adam and Eve lived would be enough, and we  learning from their experience, could stop living right away!

VALERY: Havenít you gone too far?

ANGELA: Too far or not, Iím getting married anyway! I only wanted to let you know!

 

Angela goes away leaving the doors open.

 

               Scene 6. THE TROJAN HORSE

 

It continues on from scene 4.

 

NATALIE: Youíre afraid when itís a dream, youíre afraid when itís not a dream. Somethingís wrong with you as if youíre not at home.

EMILY: Mum, donít be suspicious, please! Youíve also seen them...

NATALIE: With my own eyes!

EMILY: There was no music.

NATALIE: You stuck to music, as a drunk man to a street lamp.

EMILY: Besides Iíve always only seen the dreams, Iíve never been searched before.

NATALIE: Those creatures searched us thoroughly.

EMILY: Iím sure it wasnít a dream!

NATALIE: If it isnít a dream, whatís it then? Who are those two drips?

EMILY: I donít know.

NATALIE: Shall we call Valery or the police?

EMILY: Wait a minute! I know whatís going on.

NATALIE: If you took pills, youíd know right away, you wouldnít give me such trouble.

EMILY: Mickyís coming to ask Angela to marry him!

NATALIE: I beg your pardon?! Such a chimpanzee to propose to our pet girl?! Thatís out of the question!

EMILY: You donít understand!

NATALIE: And which of them is he with or without a moustache?

EMILY: None of them. Theyíre his bodyguards. Theyíre testing the terrain before he comes. Heís a terribly important sort.

NATALIE: How come Iíve never seen them before?

EMILY: They were here only once, when you were at a spa.

NATALIE: Did they behave in the same way as orang-utangs?

EMILY: The same.

NATALIE: How did Valery take it, damn?

EMILY: She smashed them.

NATALIE: Fuck my luck! why do I always get stuck at a spa at the crucial moment. Spit it out!

EMILY: Thereís nothing to talk about. She was busy painting her Selfportrait in a crowd. You know the one: she in the foreground and demonstrations behind her, tear gas and water guns.

NATALIE: The one that the crazy Yankee bought?

EMILY: That one! She was completing the red beret, when they came in, and started to sniff around. One of them spilt her favourite purple paint...

NATALIE: Holy cunt! And then?

EMILY: She screwed them without even noticing it. I wet my panties laughing!

NATALIE: She cut them up into little pieces like firewood by the fire place?

EMILY: Just like that! Good thing that weíve got a fireplace!

NATALIE: Thatís what I like about Valery. Sheís got guts. My grandchild!And did the boss react, I mean the suitor or however they call him?

EMILY: Micky. Angela managed to explain to him somehow that they were to blame for intruding on Valeryís whirlpool of creativity and inspiration so he fired them. Heís still in love, and heís full of understanding. There will be a palaver when he cools down. I donít like him.

NATALIE: After all he is not so bad... what was his name?

EMILY: Micky...

NATALIE: A fellow with such a bunch of bodyguards could be useful to me at the elections. Iím going to take a close look at them...

 

Natalie moves, but Emily stops her. The unusual sound of music is heard,

and the Trojan horse comes in.

 

EMILY: Wait a minute, mum, youíve promised me...

NATALIE: What have I promised you?

EMILY: That youíll be next to me, when it comes.

NATALIE: When comes what?

EMILY: Shit! The dream. Itís come!

NATALIE: Has it? What do you see?

EMILY: The Trojan horse.

NATALIE: The Trojan horse? Where?

EMILY: Right here. Donít you see it?

NATALIE: I donít see a thing!  

EMILY: So, thatís it!

NATALIE: What? Oh yes, Iíve got it. Is it big?

EMILY: What?

NATALIE: Well, the horse!

EMILY: Not like in a film, but itís quite big.

NATALIE: Wooden?

EMILY: I donít know. Here they come out.

NATALIE: Trojans?
EMILY: Martians, or Venusians, perhaps?

NATALIE: How can you tell the horse is Trojan then?

EMILY: It looks like one...

NATALIE: So, what are they doing?

EMILY: Who?

NATALIE: Martians, Trojans, whoever they are?

EMILY: Theyíre dancing, do you hear the music?

NATALIE: I donít hear a thing. What kind of music is it?

EMILY: Itís beautiful, although strange... and too loud...

NATALIE: Even in his dreams he is deaf, silly idiot. Whatís the dance like?

EMILY: Unusual...

NATALIE: Unlike the usual Martian dance which is completely unknown to me, as well.

EMILY: I canít describe it to you...

NATALIE: Show me then! Try!

 

Emily tries to show how the Martians' dance.

 

EMILY: I canít... mum... Theyíre taking their clothes off.

NATALIE: Why? Arenít they cold?

EMILY: I donít know... mum

NATALIE: Pardon?

EMILY: Thatís striptease...

NATALIE: Terrific! Go on talking!

EMILY: Mum, this is a porno dream... well, that Starkyís really shameless. What a dream! Heís vulgar!

NATALIE: What does he need a porno dream for? At his age he can have real sex.

EMILY: Pity, you canít see this...

NATALIE: Yes, it is! ... Listen Emily...

EMILY: Pardon?

NATALIE: I donít understand, what does he need a porno dream for?

EMILY: Neither do I. Heís so indecent.

NATALIE: Might it be just your imagination?

EMILY: Oh, mum, not you too!

NATALIE: I donít blame you at all. Youíre still a young woman, itís normal.

EMILY: Shame on you!

NATALIE: Donít be angry now! I meant nothing wrong. Youíre so terribly sensitive!

 

It gets dark suddenly.

 

EMILY: Whatís going on now?

NATALIE: You can see! I can't see anything.

EMILY: Neither can I!

NATALIE: Thatís because youíve got angry with me and youíve lost your  concentration!

EMILY: He mustíve woken up!

NATALIE: Who?

EMILY: Starky, mum! For Lordís sake, whatís the matter with you!?

 

Starky enters and turns on the light. The horse and the Martians have

disappeared.

 

STARKY: Why are you sitting in the dark?

EMILY: You see heís woken up? Iíve told you!

NATALIE: Weíre saving power and having tea.

STARKY: Whoís woken me up? All of a sudden Iíve found myself on the floor by my bed.

EMILY: You must have dreamed something exciting so you fell out of your bed!

STARKY: But Iíve seen two fellows leaving my room.

NATALIE: The Martians? Naked?

STARKY: Whoís talking about naked Martians, granny, whatís the matter  with you? They are two bodybuilders of our race.

EMILY: Oh, them! They are Mickeyís bodyguards. They are searching the

         house!

STARKY: As for you, you may put up with searching the house, but as for  me and my bed Iíll fuck them all!

                   For a start, Iíll mount their aunt!

                   You'll just see if I can't.

EMILY: Calm down! Thereís no use. They are stronger than you.

STARKY: Let me go! They may be stronger, but Iím cunning. Where did they go?
NATALIE: Towards the studio, if they are thorough, and they are!

STARKY: Then thereís no use hurrying. Valeryís going to smash them better than me! Pity!

 

                  Scene 7 - POETIC LICENSE

 

Valeryís studio. Bodyguards are lying down, on the floor. Valery recites

her freshly made rhymes over them. Emily, Natalie, and Starky surround her delighted.

 

VALERY: Iíll fuck your best friend,
                    and thatís not the end!

             An uncle of yours,

                    will be fucked of course!

             Iíll have you son, without a gun.

             Ever ready for your daddy,

             But Iíd rather screw your brother.

NATALIE: And, whatís the title of your poem?

VALERY: The title is: Iíll fuck them all! Isnít it clear to you?

STARKY: Wait a minute, mum! Tell us how that happened?

VALERY: Follow the rhymes and youíll get it.

STARKY: I want to know the details: every knockout, direct, mae gerry, every punch, every kick.

VALERY: Even I donít know all the details

STARKY: And what you know is?

VALERY: I was just finishing The Blue rose, when I saw a huge fat hairy arm dipping into my aquamarine. I had a black out at that moment.

STARKY: At that moment, already?

NATALIE: Pity! The story must be super!

EMILY: ( to Natalie quietly) And she claims that Iím crazy!

STARKY: And you donít remember anything?

VALERY: I only remember, being overwhelmed by vulcanic anger with the true lava of inspiration. Lava shiny and hot. Thatís the feeling you canít describe!

STARKY: Donít you remember how you flattened them like that?

VALERY: By the way... somehow...

EMILY: (quietly) Thatís how she flattens all of us by the way!

VALERY:... while a poet was rising up inside me, while the poem was

           happening in my soul. And the poem is:

                 Fuck your grandpa in the spa!

                 Your neighbour next door,

                           pumped on the floor!

                  Itíll never grow,

                           to your father in law!

                  Even your dog, lays like a log!

                  Only by luck, your cat escapes a fuck.

            

Angela and Micky enter. Two fellows follow them carrying lot of presents.

 

ANGELA: Hello, mum! Youíre all here. Hi everybody. Mickyís come.

MICKY: Good afternoon! Iím honoured to be received in your noble house.

VALERY: Oh, itís you! Those are your employees that bumped in here in the most inconvenient moment. ( most charming) Sorry, a little misunderstanding, again.

MICKY: Iím delighted. They were my employees. ( to his gorillas) Carry them out!

 

Gorillas are carrying out ex gorillas.

 

VALERY: Theyíre still moving ... I think theyíre not... They breathe...

MICKY: Never mind. madam. They should be honoured to be knocked out by such fine, harmless lady.

STARKY: Listen, a harmless lady! Quel mensonge!  

MICKY: The gentleman is?

ANGELA: Youíve met. My twinbrother Starky.

STARKY: Weíll be introducing each other till he remembers me!

MICKY: Whatís your present occupation?

STARKY: Iím studying you. And you do the business?

MICKY: Thatís right.

STARKY: And what kind of business, thatís confidential, I suppose.

MICKY: Youíre right. I couldíve bet.

 

Starky gives an important look to Emily.

 

ANGELA: Youíve met granny...

MICKY: Madam is a grandma already. Iíd never tell. Iím delighted. Allow me to express my deepest respect!

 

He gives Emily a big present, that she takes it reluctantly.

 

EMILY: You shouldnít have!

 

Gorillas come back. They pick up the remaining gifts and stand still.

 

ANGELA: Grand - grandma was in the spa when you were here last time. Thatís why you didnít meet.

MICKY: Angela tells fairy tales about you, but now I see she was too modest. This is an expression of my admiration.

 

Giving her an enormous gift. She starts unpacking right away.

 

NATALIE:  Young kind gentleman, youíre very kind.

STARKY: Great grandma, have you drunk anything?

MICKY: And for my respected lady Valery, something special, allow me...

 

He gives the present to her also. And the last one he sends by gorilla.

 

            That one is for a respected brother.

 

Gorilla gives the present to Starky. Emily puts her parcel on the floor.

Starky too. Valery seeing that stops unpacking. Only Natalie fails to notice whatís going on. Tension rises. Angela tries to calm down the situation.

 

ANGELA: Granny, arenít you going to see what youíve got?

EMILY: Iím going to see these days...

ANGELA: We chose it together for you.

EMILY: Thank you, my dear...

ANGELA: And you mum, you seemed to be in high spirits, when we came in.

VALERY: Iím in high spirits even now! Youíre lucky, Iíve become a poetess.

STARKY: Knocking off gorillas aids powerfully her poetic inspiration.  Send her two pieces every day.   

ANGELA: Where is your curiosity?

VALERY: Young man, might it be possible for the gentlemen to get themselves out of here.

MICKY: With pleasure, my dear lady! ( to gorillas) Get out!

 

The gorillas leave in silence.

 

ANGELA: Mummy, Iíve told you weíve come to...

VALERY: I know why youíve came.

STARKY: Youíre supposed to be enthusiastic, mum.

 

Natalie, who has been unwrapping her parcel, finally succeeds and find

a megaphone in her hands. She has been trying to use it and playing like

a child she will speak thorough it.

 

NATALIE: I thank the young gentelman...

MICKY:  I thought you may need it in your campaign.

NATALIE: ( to Angela) Youíve told him?

ANGELA: I know nothing about that ...

MICKY: I have my sources, with all due respect lady.

 

The atmosphere calms down.

 

MICKY: ( to Valery) Could we sit down somewhere?

EMILY: You, young man, can sit over there if it suits you...

 

She shows him the armchair on the pedestal for models. Micky sits not

minding that all the others are standing.

 

MICKY: Iíd like you to call me by my name, Mickey...

EMILY: Iíd like too, but I canít...        

VALERY: Iíll sketch you. Youíll serve as a background, thatíll help me to know you better...

ANGELA: Mum, I know him. Thatís all that matters. (she sits next to M.)

EMILY: Itís enough for you, not for us!

NATALIE: (through the megaphone) Micky, say it now or theyíll never let you speak! Thatís how it is with women, young man.

MICKY: Iíve come to ask for your daughterís hand.

STARKY: I thought he would ask for the whole girl, not just her hand.

 

Valery starts to draw Micky, perhaps Angela with him, but the picture turns

out to be gloomy because she has difficulties in her work.

 

VALERY: Well... if she wants... I'll give you my daughter's hand.

STARKY: She wants everything...

 

Emily yields quietly with pain. Starky spits and leaves the room.

Angela hugs Micky.

 

ANGELA: Haven't I told you that mumís wonderful!?

VALERY: But, you have to learn some things.

NATALIE: (megaphone) Our Angela is a princess, so you have to be a knight.

EMILY: Take it easy, mum. This is serious.

VALERY: First of all: in our house marriage's never been considered as a remedy against boredom or any other disease.

NATALIE:( megaphone) Even against sterility!

VALERY: A husband has never been God or master of the game.

NATALIE: (megaphone) So, Valeryís thrown her husband away, just after using him, namely, after heíd made her pregnant.

VALERY: Natalieís spent several husbands, but history doesnít say how she got rid of them. The fact is that she is here and they are gone!

EMILY: I loved and respected my husband but he was...

VALERY: He was a gourmand and as a result of her cooking he died at 47 because of arteriosclerosis,lipides, heart attack, cirrhosis and a stroke.

EMILY: Iíll never forgive you for this. Never.

NATALIE: (megaphone) Youíre lucky Angela doesnít know how to cook.

VALERY: Next: I havenít given birth to the precious creature thatís grown beneath my heart just to wash some dripís socks.

ANGELA: Mum, my Micky is not a drip!

EMILY: A drip is everyone who needs his socks to be washed.

NATALY: (mg) Washed shirts and ironed socks are out of question!

MICKY: Thereís no need to waste words, I have servants. Iím getting married as Iím in love.

VALERY; We used to get married because we were in love, but love is used up through misunderstandings, through being late, through waiting. Itís spent more quickly than you can imagine. Now you can spend more than you have.

 

Starky comes in carrying Olomir covered in blood. He speaks to Micky with poison.

 

STARKY: Iíve found this man in the bathroom. I suppose heís the victim of your gorillas...

ANGELA: Good lord, Micky! Whatíre we going to do now? We didnít need this.

NATALY: Itís disgusting! I canít stand blood. Iím sorry

 

Micky whistles and the gorillas come in. Natalie leaves the room.

 

MICKY: Whatís happened with this man?

GORILLAS: We have no idea, we were in front of the door!

             

Micky waves away and the gorillas leave.

              

MICKY: You see it wasnít them. He slipped on the soap.

STARKY: Perhaps it wasnít them, but surely those were the previous two.

MICKY: We canít know that, because they were knocked out by the lady.

STARKY: And before madam discharged them, theyíd probably killed this man.

MICKY: My men are not murderers.

VALERY: Thatís what weíre going to check. (She bends over Olomir) Mr Cutter, what happened to you? Hi sir!

OLOMIR: I ... havenít found the way out...

ANGELA: Iíve told you he wonít find the way out!

VALERY: And what happened next?

EMILY: This is a madhouse, I donít have to look for another one!

OLOMIR: Instead of the way out Iíve found the bathroom I entered...  well, I had to...

VALERY: O.K. what happened then?

OLOMIR: I didnít lock the door. I donít have the habit as I live alone and since there was no key...

MICKY: O.K. Cut it short, what happened next?

OLOMIR: I don't know the unpleasant gentleman.

VALERY: You'll be introduced to each other but tell us what happened next?

OLOMIR: I was just unbuttoning my trousers.. well... you know, when  two fellows came in and started to touch me, gays, I suppose!  (Angela and Valery are laughing) It wasn't funny. I had to. I'm sorry mum that it happened in your house....

VALERY: It's not your fault, one can't help pissing.

OLOMIR: Oh, not that! I mean I'm sorry because I had to beat  them...

MICKY: You see he was the one who started fighting. My men are peaceful.

OLOMIR: I may have killed someone...

STARKY: In a word you smashed them.

OLOMIR: I'm so sorry because it happened in your bathroom. It was inevitable in the situation. I'll make it up to you for all the damage..

STARKY: And how did it happen that I found you fainted on the floor and no trace of them?

OLOMIR: I don't know... They must've run away, despicable bastards.

MICKY: Can anyone tell me whoís this lying fool?

OLOMIR: I never lie! I demand satisfaction!

ANGELA: The gentleman is not a fool, he is a buyer of mum's paintings and an admirer of her art!

MICKY: (to Valery) I'm really sorry madam. This is a terrible misunderstanding. I'll bear all the consequences...

STARKY: So mum, this is the fellow who's trashed the gorillas, not you?

VALERY: (laughing) It seems to me he's only shaken them a bit  for they came in here solid as a rock!

EMILY: And what're we going to do with the man now?

MICKY: I'm going to take him to hospital.

OLOMIR: The only place you can take me away to is somewhere to fight a duel.

VALERY: We'll keep the gentleman in our house until he recovers    a bit. (to Starky) Take him to the small guest room.

OLOMIR: Valery cherie, you're not angry with me? Iím the  happiest man in the world...

 

Starky takes out Olomir, the happiest.

 

VALERY: I'm going to kill him one of these days for "Valery cherie". (to Micky) Young man, what did you say your name was?

ANGELA: Micky, mum. Micky Cutter's his name.

EMILY: (to herself) Thank Lord she's forgotten him too!

VALERY: From now on I'll consider bringing gorillas to my house as a lack of trust and offence!

MICKY: I've understood that. I apologize sincerely.

VALERY: You're lucky I keep my word, otherwise you'd go home without the girl because of this shit.

ANGELA: Mum you're wonderful!

EMILY: Angela is tender and sensitive. Be good to her.

 

Emily gently weeps. Starky and Natalie come back.     

 

VALERY: Another small detail: don't think that if thereís no man  in the house...

 

Micky is laughing.

 

ANGELA: Don't laugh, please!

STARKY: Thanks for the compliment, mum...

VALERY: ... that my Angela has no protection. To be precise: if you scratch her with your little nail or if you just harm her with a look, throw away immediately all your caps, hats, wigs, walk- men glasses.

MICKY: I don't understand, why?

NATALIE: (megaphone) Because you won't have anything to put    them on!

VALERY: So, if you still want her hand... take her     (She stretches her arm towards him. They shake hands).

MICKY: Right now?

VALERY: Right now or are you waiting for me to change my mind?

EMILY: (gently weeps) Oh no, Valery! How could I give birth to such a crazy child?

MICKY: When do I fix the time for the wedding?

VALERY: Well, the wedding will be fixed in a year or two if  Angela doesn't change her mind.

 

Now the general disturbance comes; they grab each other. Starky is on his feet, he whistles and starts to dance singing something like "how Valery fucked up Micky". Emily joins him after a while.

 

ANGELA: Mum, you want me to be his concubine!

EMILY: (kissing Valery) My little clever one. My only precious child, I knew you wouldn't allow such stupidities. My clever girl.

MICKY: And what will happen if the child comes.     

VALERY: We'll take care of him, we have plenty of grannies!

 

Starky and Emily dance as if they were at the wedding.

 

NATALIE: (megaphone)  Dear listeners, our light- hearted programme  here comes to an end. It will be on again next year if we don't change our mind or in ten minutes if we change our opinion.

 

(Those who want a break can take it now and please themselves although it's a bit early)

 

 

        Scene 8 - AN AMATEUR  LADY FROM THE OPPOSITION

 

The wall of Valery's studio is all covered with Natalie's campaign posters with her picture, of course, and a slogan: I know what you need.

 

EMILY: You'll be eaten up like a chicken by Valery when she sees what you've done to her south wall.

NATALIE: Who? Valery? She is opening her exhibition. She wouldn't notice even an atomic explosion.

EMILY: She'll notice when the exhibition is over...

NATALIE: She may take them off then, I don't care. All I need is to feel the atmosphere and to master the situation.

EMILY: In fact, you don't have any idea about your promotion speel...

NATALIE: Oh yes, I do. I have the whole speech but I don't know  how to begin, I don't know who I'm supposed to talk to...

EMILY: To the people, the crowd, I guess, it's going to be a meeting, isn't it?

NATALIE: Am I supposed to say: O crowd, you don't have any choice but to elect me! You don't have the slightest idea about anything!

EMILY: Say: people!

NATALIE: People or crowd, that's the same thing. Besides, I have  nothing in common with those people who push each other on buses, smell of garlic and listen to folk music.

EMILY: Say: Brothers and sisters!

NATALIE: I'm not a priest!

EMILY: Ladies and gentlemen, then!

NATALIE: They'll think I'm fooling them. There are no gentlemen here!

EMILY: No, they won't. They believe one can become a gentleman overnight if he buys a tie. They believe they are gentlemen.

NATALIE: I really don't want to flatter the upstarts.

EMILY: Comrades, you won't say either!

NATALIE: I'm not left to that extent.

EMILY: I suppose you're not right either.

NATALIE: No, but I'm far from being extremely left!

EMILY: Say working people then!

NATALIE: Working people are a minority! What I need is a majority!

EMILY: In that case you can't say: You, the manufacturers, because  there are few of them. And the importers would be inconvenient as well.

NATALIE: Who would begin a speech saying: Dear importers? You are silly!

EMILY: Now I know! Citizens...

NATALIE: Like Napoleon!

EMILY: O.K. Town people and peasants!

NATALIE: Peasants get mad when you call them peasants.

EMILY: Is there anything else left?

NATALIE: Now you see the problem!

EMILY: Are you sure you don't want anything referring to the nation, because it's in?

NATALIE: I don't want to be in, I want something original!

EMILY: How about giving it all up and finishing your Gobelin, the one that's called: Gipsy girl with a tear on her left cheek.

NATALIE: To give it up now when I'm so close to a good position?!  Go wash the dishes for God's sake! You aren't of any help to me!

EMILY: I've got it! Fellow countrymen!

NATALIE: It's disgusting! You are getting old so quickly! Half of the inhabitants of this country are not my fellow countrymen, they are new comers.

EMILY: You can say then: inhabitants...

NATALIE: Dear inhabitants, tenants and subtenants! I don't have time for your jokes. You'd better go and make some coffee.

EMILY: That's exactly what I've wanted to suggest to you, but I thought you need an audience...

NATALIE: Eureka! Now I know: My dear symphatizers!

EMILY: How do you know there will be any of them?

NATALIE: I'll make them mine, whether they want it or not. So: My dear sympha... it's gorgeous! My dear present and future symphatizers. It sounds so selfconfident.

EMILY: Isn't it too selfconfident?

NATALIE: You can never have enough selfconfidence. People love it  because they are mostly weak.

EMILY: And what about: men and women? That's perfect! That's even a compliment.

NATALIE: It's a compliment to say "men", it's an offence to say "women". And still women make half of the voting population.

EMILY: Voting population! It sounds so goozy. I'd better go wash the dishes...

 

 

 

 

 

NATALIE: And make that coffee!

EMILY: You don't want tea?

NATALIE: I want coffee, to be closer to the voting population.

 

Emily leaves the room with grudging disapproval.

 

EMILY: Why do all people except me have mothers who make Gobelins?

NATALIE: My dear symphatizers... no! Itís not good! Whatís there to talk about with your symphatizers? Nothing! I should be straight: Dear voters!

 

Valery storms in the room. She has a fur coat and a hat on. She is in a

hurry and she just dropped in to take something.

 

VALERY: Havenít I told you that you are welcome anywhere except in my studio? Whatíre you doing here?

NATALIE: Iím thinking about something. It wonít take me long.

VALERY: I think so! Who wanted me?

NATALIE: Nobody. The phone hasnít rung at all. Even I havenít been wanted.

VALERY: It must be out of order! Tell Emily to check with the operator. Bye. Iím in a hurry.

 

Valery reaches the door and then something crosses her mind. She

goes back to the south wall and stares at it with curiosity and surprise.

 

VALERY: Whatís this?

NATALIE: Thatís the material for my campaign...

VALERY: And this is the right place for it? I goes well here doesnít it?

NATALIE: The walls of my room are covered with portraits of our forefathers. Thereís no place for me.

VALERY: But, there is, in my studio, isnít there?

NATALIE; The wall was empty.

VALERY: Youíre lucky Iím in a hurry!

 

Valery moves towards the door but she turns back to Natalie. She looks at

her firmly as though she were a wall.

 

VALERY: Where did you find the money for all these colour posters. I know how much it costs.

NATALIE: Micky gave me the posters and the badges. Heís sponzoring me.

VALERY: Micky who?

NATALIE: Your potential son in-law. Canít you remember him either, he took away your child, though?!

VALERY: Heís joined your party?

NATALIE: No heís apolitical.

VALERY: Youíve asked him to be your sponsor, havenít you? You know  we donít like him. Thatís betrayal. You havenít got the power yet,  but youíve already started to betray!

NATALIE: I didnít ask. His gorillas brought it. With his best regards!

VALERY: The scoundrel flatters you and you allow him to do that.

NATALIE: No, no. He seems to be collecting political parties.

VALERY: A collector of political parties? How do you know?

NATALIE: I do. First theyíve brought posters of Democratic party, badges of Peasantsí party and flags of Radical party. Then they apologized  and brought mine. He seems to offer them to everybody...

VALERY: Why?

NATALIE: I donít know, perhaps he washes the money...

VALERY: And perhaps heís a foreign spy whoís duty it is to weaken our government?

NATALIE: You think so? Anyway, who cares for the shitty government!

VALERY: You covered the place with your pictures just to see how you would look in the streets, didnít you?

NATALIE: Youíre wise like an owl.

VALERY: You can see how youíll look!

 

Valery takes her paintbrush and starts to draw here moustaches, there beards,

glasses and a pirate eyebandage on Natalieís posters. Finally she makes a

caricature of each poster.

 

NATALIE: Youíll be late for your own exhibition!

 

Emily comes in bringing coffee.

 

EMILY: Valery, youíre heartless!

VALERY: Iím heartless, am I? You parasites, you call me heartless! (to Natalie) Look, thatís how you will look when they put your posters in the streets. ( to Emily) Your mother plots with foreign spies! (To both) Iím coming back quickly, donít wait for me here. The wall should be whitewashed immediately!

 

Valery leaves like a typhoon. She wants to slam the door, but the door is

sliding and new, so she hardly moves it. Emily and Natalie laugh.

 

EMILY: Good thing sheís changed the door!

 

              Scene 9. LONG-TERM VISITOR

 

Olomir makes something in the kitchen. His head is bandaged, his leg in

plaster cast. Starky comes in, obviously from the street. He wears his coat.

 

STARKY: Good morning.

OLOMIR: Whereíve you been till now?

STARKY: Having fun. Iím making an experiment.

OLOMIR: Mother gives you all the freedom.

STARKY: I was born free. Since then theyíve been trying to strain me. Why arenít you recovering? Wheníre you going home?

OLOMIR: Iím recovering...

STARKY: You recovered three months ago.

OLOMIR: Yes, but then I hurt myself again repairing the sliding door in the madam Valeryís studio.

STARKY: It was two months ago.

OLOMIR: Yes, but I crushed my finger.

STARKY: In fact youíre a carpenter or a door keeper, something like that, arenít you?

OLOMIR: No, Iím not. I am a psychiatrist, thatís why Iíve hurt myself.

STARKY: And what opportunity did you use to break yourself this time?

OLOMIR: A week ago I was sticking Madam Natalieís campaign posters in the studio when  I fell off the ladder.

STARKY: And you broke your leg?

OLOMIR: No, I fell on my head then.

STARKY: And what about your leg, when did you break it?

OLOMIR: When I was taking the posters off and painting the south wall.

STARKY: You fell off the ladder again?

OLOMIR: No, the ladder fell down on me then. Itís heavy, you know... In fact my leg was just half-broken, while the ladder was completely broken.

STARKY: It seems to me you do it on purpose subconsciously...

OLOMIR: The power of our subconsciousness is much stronger than we know...

STARKY; Thatís all because Valery extends your stay here whenever you hurt yourself. Itís as if you wish to move in here...

OLOMIR; Iíve never kept it a secret, but your mum disagrees.

STARKY; Conquered Valery, thatís what Iíd like to see.

OLOMIR: Sheís hard to conquer because sheís occupied.

STARKY; But, you are persistent, arenít you?

OLOMIR; Yes, I am.

STARKY: Just donít let Emily hear you are a psychiatrist, she will throw you up immediatelly and hysterically.

OLOMIR; Why?

STARKY: Well, I think she canít stand that profession.

OLOMIR; Iíll try not to let her know. Thanks.

STARKY: Iíve heard youíve got a huge house.

OLOMIR: Yes, I have!

STARKY; Where have you got so much money from?

OLOMIR: There are so many rich nuts, you know. Iíve inherited one of them.

STARKY; He was your father, I guess?

OLOMIR: No, shame on you! He was my grandfather

STARKY: So, how can you live in that tiny room?

OLOMIR: Why do you ask? I donít suffer from claustrophobia, Iím healthy. And thereís not draft there.

STARKY: I mean itís ideal to commit suicide.

OLOMIR: What?

STARKY: A tiny room.

OLOMIR: (with suspicion) Why?

STARKY: Because itís so small. You eat a lot of beans or cherries, close the window and the door and youíre dead in a moment.

OLOMIR: I donít understand why beans and cherries?

STARKY: Because fellow, when you shut yourself in the little room, you fart twice, and you die of methane poisoning.

OLOMIR: You cherish a very odd sense of humour in your family.

STARKY: Everything we cherish is odd and thatís what attracts you.

OLOMIR: Whatís happened to your father?

STARKY: Which father?

OLOMIR: I supose you have only one. What happened to you biological father?

STARKY: I donít know.

OLOMIR: Where is he?

STARKY: Iíve got no idea, last time I saw him at an airshow I was 6 years old.

OLOMIR: I canít imagine how someone could leave Valery. Sheís absolutely original, although unbearable.

STARKY I didnít say she had been left. But I do think Lucky is a scatterbrain.

OLOMIR: Lucky who?

STARKY: Well, my dad.

OLOMIR: You havenít missed him, have you? I mean, you and your sister.

STARKY: No, Valeryís a splendid dad. Sometimes she causes problems in the motherís role. Iíll go to bed. This night life and work are destroying me.

OLOMIR: So you agree I can be your father, donít you?

STARKY: How can you be my father when I am already brought forth for Godís sake?!

 

                Scene 10 - HANGOVER   

 

Valery has started Selfportrait from the Back in her studio. She has put mirrors around for that occasion. Emily has brought in lunch and Valery is eating quickly, standing. She is in a good mood. If you like you can imagine Valery stained with paint and so busy with her work that she doesn't have time to eat. So Emily quickly feeds her giving her spoons and forks of food.

 

VALERY: Where's Natalie?

EMILY: In her room. She's not left it for days.

VALERY: What's she doing there?

EMILY: She's being ashamed of herself.

VALERY: What's she doing?

EMILY: She's being ashamed of herself.

VALERY: So she is doing nothing else but being ashamed of herself. Why?

EMILY: Because she's made a speech with her picture above her.  She's going to die of shame.

VALERY: Most politicians make speeches with their pictures above them.

EMILY: But they don't know what shame is. She says she feels like a man who gets drunk and makes troubles, in the morning he feels  remorseful knowing he's made some trouble but doesn't know what it is, that 's how she feels. As if she vomitted on her pillow.

VALERY: She knows what it's like. You should believe her.

EMILY: She's dressed up lying on her back with her arms crossed on   her breasts and decided to die of shame.

VALERY: That's bad.

EMILY: Bad.

VALERY: Well, what're you going to do now?

EMILY: I intended to ask you to give me a little money.

VALERY: How much?

EMILY: Well, a little bit more...

VALERY: Approximately?

EMILY: Quite a lot of money should be needed.

VALERY: Say an amount!

EMILY: As much as you can.

VALERY: From - to?

EMILY: From as much as you've got.

VALERY: And what for?

EMILY: To take her to be cured.

VALERY: Whereíve you thought to take her?

EMILY: To the gambling house.

VALERY: To the gambling house? To be cured?

EMILY: Why not? One nail drives out another. She's thought politics to be the only vice left to someone of her age.

VALERY: And now gambling's left?

EMILY: Besides, you know that spending money cures depression. There's nothing better than that.

VALERY: And how much might that cost?

EMILY: I don't know. In any case less than doctors and medicines and there're no contraindications.

VALERY: It sounds sensible. I'll give you all I've got.

EMILY: (delighted) All that you've got? Really?

VALERY: (laughing) Yes, I assure you I don't want you to complain. I haven't done anything for your mother letting her die in the prime od life.

EMILY: It has nothing to do with age. One needs one's own mum.

VALERY: But you must admit she is "in the prime of life" for passing away.

EMILY: I still love you for not being a miser.

 

A black cat comes in. Music. Emily is startled.

 

EMILY: Go away! Black devil, what are you doing here.

VALERY: Whatíre you saying?

EMILY: Nothing, nothing.

VALERY: It seemed to me you were chasing a cat.

EMILY: Me? Not really, it only seemed to you.

VALERY: Mum, if you don't feel well, if you have some problems,  you can tell me. I won't force you to anything...

EMILY: Oh no, it's all right. I'm in a hurry to persuade Natalie.

 

A man, the same as Starky enters, but his clothes are old -fashioned. They were fashionable some fifteen years ago. Emily simply runs away. Valery goes on painting. The man looks round the studio. That's Lucky looking the same as when he was young as Starky remembers him. Valery notices him and is startled a little.

 

VALERY: What are you doing here? When did you arrive? Why are you sneaking in like a cat? How did you come in? Nothing is heard because of the music...  After fifteen years... You could say good afternoon at least.(Lucky seems not to hear a word) Lucky you  idiot I'm asking you: What are you doing here? Why haven't you grown old?

LUCKY: Children should take their father's surname.

VALERY: Really? What's wrong with my surname? I've shortened it!       

LUCKY: Why've you given the little girl to a scoundrel?

VALERY: She's not a little girl. She weighs sixtyfive kilos only you weren't here to notice that. You've picked up the right time to come and grumble.

LUCKY: Why have you given my little girl to a gangster?

VALERY: Are you deaf? There's no your little girl!. I haven't given anything to anybody. She'll be back when passion fades.

LUCKY: Children miss their father.

VALERY: What do you want? You haven't sent a letter to the children for fifteen years. You've come to see them now. Go and see them if you can recognize them at all.

LUCKY: The boy misses his father.

VALERY: Why do you repeat things like a parrot? Have you gone crazy? It is said mad people don't get old. Anyway, get out.

 

Lucky sits in the armchair as if he didn't hear.

 

VALERY: Get out! You fool!

 

Lucky doesn't react. She throws something on him but she misses.

 

VALERY: Lucky don't make me nervous, you know me. I'm going to eat you up. (Licky doesn't react)  I don't want to go to prison  because of a fool. (cries) Olomir! Mr. Cutter!

 

Olomir comes.

 

OLOMIR: What's the matter Valery-cherie? You asked me to come.

VALERY: Don't call me Valery-cherie and throw this man out!

OLOMIR: Whom?

VALERY: This idiot here! The deaf one who's forgotten to grow old.

OLOMIR: I don't uderstand the joke Valery cherie... I'm not stupid, but I don't get it.

VALERY: Throw this man out and don't try to understand!

OLOMIR: There's no one here except you and me Valery cherie, you   aren't well?

VALERY: What do you mean there's nobody?

OLOMIR: Just like that. We are alone...

VALERY: But the old- fashioned one over there?

OLOMIR: If you really see someone, I mean, if you aren't making a  joke with me then it is hallucination. You tire out, but that disappears as soon as you have a rest. Lie down a bit. Do you want me to give you some vitamins?

VALERY: Vitamins against hallucination? Hallucination! Muum!

OLOMIR: Wait, wait! While we're alone I'd like to ask you something very important.

VALERY: (cries)  Muum! Muum! Emily! (Emily runs in breathlessly)

EMILY: Why are you crying?

VALERY: Do you see this hallucination here?

EMILY: (lies) I don't see anyone!

VALERY: If you don't see it, how do you know there's someone? Mr. Cutter is hallucinating contagiously?

OLOMIR: Contagious? A strange question. I've neither had such a case  in my practice, nor even  do I know about any in theory.

EMILY: What practice?

VALERY: A psychiatric practice!

OLOMIR: There are cases of collective hallucination which haven't been explained...

EMILY: The gentleman is a psychiatrist?

OLOMIR: No, not at all..., I'm a carpenter, pardon a door keeper, in fact a house-painter, you know how nicely I've whitewashed the south wall.

VALERY: Why do you all lie? Do you want me to get mad?

EMILY: You've brought a lying psychiatrist to the house to watch me?

VALERY: I haven't mum, why are you torturing me? Help me, don't you see I'm going to go mad.

EMILY: You can go mad. I don't object. You've got a professional.

VALERY: Who's going to support you if I go mad? You don't want to help me mum?

EMILY: I'll help you if the gentleman mad doctor goes out!

OLOMIR: How can she help you?  I'm an expert, Velery cherie, rely on me.

VALERY: I don't rely on anyone. Get out!

OLOMIR: Valery, you are not well, really!

VALERY: Get out, I'll smash you.

OLOMIR: All right, calm down, I'm going out.  (Olomir leaves)

VALERY: You see, he's left. Do you see him now?

EMILY: Whom?

VALERY: Fucky Lucky! 

EMILY: I see him.

VALERY: And why did you tell me you didn't a few minutes ago?

EMILY: I don't want the observer to take me to a mad house.

VALERY: And what's this mum?

EMILY: Your pet child is dreaming. He must miss his father...

VALERY: Fuck him! I support him, I buy him clothes and he dreams that idiot. I've almost had a heart attack.

EMILY: Is it clear to you now how I live?

VALERY: Wait a minute, why do I see this one and I haven't seen anything before?

EMILY: Because you can see only the things that concern you.

VALERY: And you?

EMILY: I can see everything.

VALERY: And what should I do now?

EMILY: Well, he's not going to dream about his dad all the time. He hasn't dreamed about him for fifteen years. He's going to stop it as soon as   he grows up. You can bear it.

VALERY: I can't stand it. If he appears once more I'll have a stroke.

EMILY: Then you can see the psychiatrist, he's in the little room

VALERY: A psychiatrist can't do anything about it. That's surreal.

EMILY: How could it be that he can't help you, but he could help me.

VALERY: Mum don't be such a vengeful person. Don't you understand I wasn't able to understand.

EMILY: I see you don't understand anything.

VALERY: If you like, help me, if you don't like it let me die of a stroke. Don't grumble!

EMILY: I can help you with an idea. You may try... But I'm not sure..

VALERY: Let me hear your idea!

EMILY: I think you can paint him.

VALERY: Whom?

EMILY: Lucky. If he appears on a painting he may not appear in the dreams. With the similar frequency. Paint him just like this.

VALERY: You know I paint only selfportraits..

EMILY: Then I don't know how to help you.

VALERY: Well, I'm going to make a selfportrait with Lucky behind me.

 

 

Valery takes a new canvas nervously and gets ready to paint.

 

                 Scene 11 - A CAKE FOR EMILY

 

Olomir with an apron beats stuff for a cake in the kitchen and Starky rather watches than helps him.

 

STARKY: You flatter Emily in order not to be thrown out for being a mad doctor?

OLOMIR: Oh, no. It's madam Emily's birthday tomorrow, so Valery asked me to make a cake. She's busy painting... and madam Natalie's at the gambling house, she's given me the recipe. I like  the old recipes.

STARKY: I bet she has.

OLOMIR: Do you want me to prepare meal for you. Do you feel like eating. Preparing food is my hobby.

STARKY: Your hobby is preparing meals for me?

OLOMIR: Oh, no. I like to prepare meals but I don't like to eat.  Somebody should eat what I prepare, otherwise there's no use.

STARKY: You're wasting your time. Emily can't stand you.

OLOMIR: I don't see why, when I'm so kindhearted and useful.  I'm very nice indeed, am I not?

STARKY: You are to me, but she's afraid of you.

OLOMIR: Afraid of me? I'm harmless. Hold this.

STARKY: She's afraid you may take her to a madhouse.

OLOMIR: I don't own a madhouse. I've got a private practice. Why should she go to a madhouse?

STARKY: She wouldn't like to, that's the point!

OLOMIR: I'd like to ask what's her problem when she's afraid of a mad house.

STARKY: My dreams, I think.

OLOMIR: Your dreams. I don't get the joke.

STARKY: It's not a joke. She claims to have an aerial to receive my dreams.

OLOMIR: A room aerial or a roof one?  

STARKY: Do you really want me to talk or to make jokes?

OLOMIR: Talk to me and give that to me.

STARKY: Well, she claims she can see my dreams and Valery thinks  that she hallucinates and wants to send her to be examined.

OLOMIR: Can she really see your dreams or she just thinks so?

STARKY: I have no idea. We couldn't compare it because they hide the problem from me. They think I don't know. They think I'd go crazy if I knew they read my dreams.

OLOMIR: And would you get angry?

STARKY: Of course, that's the same as if they read your thoughts. Dream censorship. There wasn't such a thing even with Stalin. Good thing I don't remember what I dream. I sleep like a top.

OLOMIR: You see, why we always say people should talk. The best thing would be if you compared. If she retells your dream, she's not mad but...

STARKY: But what?

OLOMIR: Hypersensitive, I'd say.

STARKY: I'm going to ask her if she's seen Lucky.

OLOMIR: Lucky?

STARKY: Dad. That's the last dream I remember I dreamed it the other day. Then, when you asked me about him.

 

Valery comes in behind their backs. She listens to their conversation not informing them of her presence.

 

OLOMIR: Well, you dreamed your dad...

STARKY: If you only knew how handsome my father was.

OLOMIR: Really? Handsome!

STARKY: Quite handsome. Tall, slim, attractive. Dignified. A really handsome fellow.

OLOMIR: You are a handsome fellow too. Did she love him much?

STARKY: Did she love whom?

OLOMIR: I mean Valery, did she love your father?

STARKY: I don't know. Ask her! I'd like to dream him again. I was really fond of him.

VALERY: You won't dream him again.

STARKY: You're here. When did you come in? How do you know?

VALERY: I'm here. A few minutes ago. I know.

OLOMIR: It seems strange things with dreams are going on in your  house. There may be an electromagnetic field or...

VALERY: Nothing strange's going on! (to Starky). Come, I'd like to show you something.

OLOMIR: May I come too?

VALERY: If you can leave the cake...?

OLOMIR: What's one cake compared to you?

 

The three of them get out on their way to Valery's studio. Nobody is there for some time. Only the smoke of the burning cake is going out of the oven. Then Lucky and Little Violet with a black cat enter. 

 

LITTLE VIOLET: Good afternoon. Surprise! There we are.

LUCKY: You are chirping in vain, there's no one there either.

LITTLE VIOLET: But there are traces of life. Someone's making a cake and it's burning.Hold Rosamund.

LUCKY: What if it scratches me again?

LITTLE  VIOLET: She won't. How should I turn the oven off. Oh, I've burnt myself.

LUCKY: You want to get killed because of somebody else's cake! Mind your own business.

LITTLE VIOLET: You don't understand women solidarity. (She  tastes the cream) This was made with love. Lots of almonds.

LUCKY: What has love to do with almonds?

LITTLE VIOLET: Do you know the song... I'll give you almonds, to smell nicely for me ... that's a love song.

LUCKY: Leave that. Someone may come in and think that we are thieves.

LITTLE VIOLET: I just want to save the cake.

 

Little Violet takes the cake out of the oven. It still has a chance to be saved.

 

             Scene 12 - FIFTEEN YEAR DELAY

 

In Valery's studio almost realistic painting on the easel. The Selfportrait with Lucky at the back. Valery, Olomir and Starky come in.

 

OLOMIR: Geniously, Valery-cherie, I'll buy it immediately.

VALERY: It's not on sale.

OLOMIR: Pity! (to Starky) Look at a good portrait of yourself in the crazy sixties.

STARKY: That's Lucky. Isn't he an incredibly handsome man. I dreamed about him just like this. (to Valery) Did Emily tell you or do you also spy on my dreams.

VALERY: What 're you talking about? (the idea strucks her)  You forget the fact that I got to know Lucky well while we were making you.

OLOMIR: Valery, you painted your ex-husband. How should I explain that?

VALERY: Don't explain at all, please!

OLOMIR: But I have to. I'm a professional. An analyser.

VALERY: I painted him for my child for his birthday so that he doesn't have to dream him any longer.

STARKY: It wasn't hard for me to dream and it isn't my birthday.

VALERY: I'll give it to you as a present for Emily's birthday.

OLOMIR: How original! What a precious woman your mother is! You should be happy and grateful!

STARKY: I'm happy and grateful mum? May I go now?

OLOMIR: (to Starky) Take your picture, coarse fellow.

 

Starky takes the picture off the easel. Lucky and Little Violet enter.

 

LITTLE VIOLET: Good afternoon. We've hardly found you in such a big house. There's no one as if there was a plague. I've saved someone's cake in the kitchen. It started to burn.

OLOMIR: Alas, the cake for Madam Emily! I'm finished.

LITTLE VIOLET: There's no hurry, everything is under control. I turned it off and took it out. (She approaches Valery and shakes hands with her) My name's Little Violet Smith the third.

VALERY: The third?

LITTLE VIOLET: The third, Lucky's wife.

VALERY: Really?

LITTLE  VIOLET: And this is Rosamund. She's Polish. You must be Valery and this is your studio. (she notices Lucky's picture. To him) They've known you here when were a little boy. A  wonderful picture! Full of inspiration.

LUCKY: Your telephone's out of order. That's why I didn't call.

VALERY: After fifteen years you could say: good afternoon first.

LUCKY: Good afternoon Valery. You haven't changed. And where are my children?

STARKY: (to Olomir) What an ugly and repulsive man!

OLOMIR: I don't like him either.

VALERY: There aren't your children here. There's my son who isn't a child any longer.

LUCKY: You are Starky?

STARKY: Yes, I am.

LITTLE VIOLET: You've quite grown tall.

STARKY: Grown tall since when?

LUCKY: And where's the little girl? What was her name?

LITTLE VIOLET: Lucky how could you forget the child's name?

VALERY: The little girl is married.

LITTLE VIOLET: Lucky you may have already been grandfather. (to Valery) He's silly but he has luck. Anyway he's already senile like a grandpa. There is very much love in the cake. Who is it for?

OLOMIR: For madam Emily. You think it'll be good?

VALERY: (to Lucky) What have you come for?

LUCKY: I don't know. I was drugged. In some way.

STARKY: I'm leaving to take away the thing that drugged you.  (picture)

LUCKY: Why are you angry the little one? I was away and now I'm  here. What's so terrible about it?

STARKY: I'm not the little one for you.

LITTLE VIOLET: I understand you completely. Lucky is really  impossible. He is impossible but he is lucky. He doesn't know his children and he's going to have grandchildren. He may publish a book Children and Grandchildren for Mental Use. I've told him before to call in, but he is always in a hurry. He always has something terribly urgent at the other side of the world.

VALERY: It's a good thing you've called in now. It may become a tradition for you to call in every fifteen years.

LITTLE VIOLET; Such poisoned bites aren't typical for a female Leo, but for me.

VALERY: Who are you?

LITTLE VIOLET: I'm Scorpio, the two of us'll get along well don't be afraid.

VALERY: As you already know everything, then it's familiar to you that I'm not afraid of anything.

 

Natalie and Emily enter euphoric. They are coming from the gambling house.

 

NATALIE: We smashed them. They can't recover quickly. And you don't know what we've found out.

VALERY: Take some air. Brain needs oxygen. What's happened?

EMILY: Natalie's taken all the money from them.

STARKY: From whom?

EMILY: From the gambling house. They had to close.

NATALIE: We've found out something else. Sit down all of you. We don't want you to faint.

OLOMIR: Where should we sit when there're no chairs?

NATALIE: Sit down. Sit down.

LITTLE  VIOLET: (to Lucky sitting on the floor) The old ladies're wonderful!

LUCKY: A madhouse.

VALERY: Sit down, do you want me to die of curiosity.

 

After they all had sat down, some of them immediately, some of them hardly...

 

NATALIE: Guess who's the owner of the casino?

STARKY: Micky!

NATALIE: Fuck you! You've spoilt the fun.

EMILY: How do you know?

STARKY: I don't know, I guess.

LUCKY: And who's Micky?

VALERY: Your son in-law.

LITTLE VIOLET: Perfect! Let's go to the gambling house. I can  hardly wait to see son in-law too.

NATALIE: Be quiet while older people are talking!

VALERY: And you've seen him?

EMILY: When you close the gambling house, they take you to the boss.

NATALIE: If you only could see me! I fucked them all. If you had experienced that you would have died.

STARKY: What does Micky say? Has he sent his kind regards to us?

EMILY: Micky hasn't recognized us.

STARKY: That's what I thought.

VALERY: (to Emily)  You could poison him tomorrow when they  come to your birthday party.

OLOMIR: Valery I'm preparing tomorrow's birthday party. You can't expect madam Emily to prepare her birthday party alone.

LITTLE VIOLET: If you make up your mind I've got a wonderful recipe.

OLOMIR: What for?

LITTLE VIOLET: For poisoning sons in-law.

LUCKY: (to Valery) You've given my little girl to someone who runs a gambling house, to a gangster?

VALERY: Whose little girl, fuck you! Whose little girl!

 

A good national custom of simultanueous screaming goes on. Valery and Lucky are in the heart of the typhoon, but others keep pace with them.

 

STARKY: Bite him, mum!

LITTLE VIOLET: Thatís what Iíve been waiting for! Coo, Lucky, my pigeon!

OLOMIR: Valery-cherie, calm down, you know how youíve felt sick. You may be imagining everything.

VALERY: Which little girl, fuck you! You havenít seen her for 15 years and now you claim that sheís yours. You left for a fucking place 15 years ago, and now ...

LUCKY: I didnít leave, but you drove me off.

VALERY: Youíd like to have chldren now to take care of you in your old age.

LITTLE VIOLET: Youíd better stop defending yourself, Lucky, you donít have any chance against such a lioness. You can get on with me easily.

LUCKY: Oh, hell, how easy itís to get on with you!

OLOMIR: Valery, please, itís not good for you. You remember how you were bad.

STARKY: Destroy him, mum, Iíve got his picture, I donít need him any more.

LITTLE VIOLET: You donít like your dad Lucky at all.

NATALIE: Whoís this man? He looks familiar somehow?

EMILY: Mum, thatís Lucky, Valeryís ex ...

NATALIE: Who?

EMILY: Mum, thereís going to be a fuss. Letís go out.

NATALIE: Iíd like to see the fuss.

 

 

          Scene l3.- A BIRTHDAY OVERTURE

 

Detailed preparations have been made in the dining-room for Emilyís

birthday party. Natalie is playing cards. Olomir has burnt himself and

has some plasters.

 

STARKY: Youíve managed to burn yourself, Olomir, the most persistent  man!

OLOMIR: While I was taking out the roast pig...

STARKY: Emilyís sending you the message that sheís become a vegetarian,

NATALIE: Does anyone feel like playing poker with me? While weíre waiting for the party to begin?

OLOMIR: I do, madam, but first I must wash myself for the party.  ( he goes out)

STARKY: ( to Olomir) You fight with all weapons, on all battlefields.  I respect you. I could be your ally.

 

Itís not tornado, but Valery coming in.

 

VALERY: Is it the truth that Emilyís invited Lucky with his Lily of the Valley, to her birthday party?

 

Silence again. Nobody wants to bear consequences because of the bare

fact.

 

VALERY: Iíve got a question!

STARKY: It seems to be the truth.

VALERY: After all yesterdayís shit, sheís invited him to my house again.

STARKY: But to her birthday party!

VALERY: What a vengeful person she is! Thatís her revenge for my biting  her breast 44 years six months and 24 days ago. I had one tooth then. I bet thatís the reason.

NATALIE: ( over playing cards) What do you bet on?

VALERY: Upon whatever you like.

NATALIE: Upon two new packs of playing cards.

VALERY: Itís a deal!

 

Natalie and Valery agreed to bet.

 

STARKY: Youíve lost mum. Sheís invited him because Angela wanted to see him, and you know Emily canít resist her soup admirerís caprices.

VALERY: Angela must have wished to see that Dahlia to?

NATALIE: Whom?

VALERY: Well, that Chrysantemum, Rose, Marigold, Margaret, of his, fuck him, I donít know her name I only know itís a kind of flower.

STARKY: Ah, you mean  mummy Little Violet.

VALERY: Scorpio, thatís right. I suppose youíre not going to call her mum?!

STARKY: Of course not. Iím kidding. At least sheís neither help nor hindrance. Why should she get on your nerves?

VALERY: Everything gets on my nerves when they hit me like that.

NATALIE: Youíve become too tense, Valery, you crack up easily.

VALERY: Iíve been painting her birthday present for 32 hours, and she invites Lucky. How could I resist cracking up?

OLOMIR: Would you like me to give you something to relax, Valery-cherie? Thatís exhaustion. Something to help you to fall asleep?

VALERY: I wouldnít, and I wouldnít like that ď Valery-cherieĒ either, which makes me crazy.

NATALIE: Come to your grandma to soothe you down. How about having something exhausting and intellectual? Canasta?

VALERY: All right, come on deal!

NATALIE: The only condition with me is that no volunteering and recreation are allowed. Put money on the table.

VALERY: I havenít got it now. Iíll give it to you later.

NATALIE: Then weíre going to play later!

VALERY: Granny, what do you need all that money for? To buy all the medecines in the world and live for ever!

NATALIE: Have you heard theyíve invented alcoholic drinks you canít get drunk on?

VALERY; Yes, I have. So what?

NATALIE: Nobodyís bought them.Theyíve gone bankrupt. Thatís like gambling without money.

OLOMIR; Valery, Iíll give you money for a few games if you like...It may help you feel better. It may help you relax for youíre as tense as a sling..

VALERY; Youíre ready to give me credit and my own grandma isnít. Thatís  out of question!( An idea strucks her) After all Mr Cutter, will you  follow me to my studio...

OLOMIR; To follow you to your studio? Only me?

VALERY; Only you...

OLOMIR: With special pleasure!

 

They leave. Starky gets nervous.

 

NATALIE; Whatís the matter with you, a little boy? Why do you move like a fart in your pants?

STARKY: I donít know whatís the matter with me! I havenít slept for 32 hours and I donít know why... Is it growing up?

NATALIE: No, itís full moon. Go to bed, have a rest. Iíll call you when Micky arrives to hug and kiss him in a kind way.

STARKY: Itís strange that Iím not tired.

NATALIE: Well, then itís super, donít worry.

STARKY: Itís super, but itís somehow boring.

 

Little Violet and Lucky come in.

 

LITTLE VIOLET: Here we are. I suppose we arenít late. Good evening.

LUCKY: Good evening.

NATALIE: Youíre late for my birthday party, it was six months ago, and youíre the first to come to Emilyís.

LUCKY: (to Little Violet) I told you thereís no need to hurry. All people are late in this country.

LITTLE VIOLET: ( to Natalie) Itís wonderful to have such good sense of humour at your age.

STARKY: Oh, those are mummy Little Violet and dad Lucky! Weíre going to  change the type of boredom... and whereís the cat Rosamunda?

LUCKY: Good luck she wasnít invited.

NATALIE: Why do you think that mind should die before the body?

LITTLE VIOLET: On the contrary. And the little boy isnít angry with us any  longer. Thatís nice.

STARKY: The little boy isnít a little boy any longer, thatís even nicer!

 

Olomir peeps through the door.

 

OLOMIR: Starky, help. Come here. Excuse me...

LITTLE VIOLET: Youíre also here, good evening. Iím really curious to know how your cakeís come out?

STARKY: Pardon me, it seems thereís something urgent over there.

 

Starky leaves with Olomir. A moment of unpleasant silence.

 

NATALIE: If youíve got money we can play cards...

LUCKY: What do you offer?

NATALIE: Whatíre you interested in?

LITTLE VIOLET: Lucky, you are a lucky man, but I donít think itís clever  to put your nose into somebody elseís lucky feedingbag. Madam  closes gambling houses.

LUCKY: First of all itís not clever to rely on your evaluation of whatís clever.

 

Lucky sits down to play cards.

 

           Scene 14. A PRESENT ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S ACCOUNT

 

Olomir and Starky in Valeryís studio. Her new picture The Selfprortrait

with a Childís Dreams, from the back.

 

OLOMIR: Valeryís dangerously angry with madam Emily.

STARKY: When sheís angry, itís always dangerously. We got used to it.

OLOMIR: I know. But sheís put me in incredibly unpleasant situation...

STARKY: Thatís her speciality, why are you upset?

OLOMIR: Be serious for two minutes., really itís not naive. Sheís offered to sell to me the picture that sheís painted especially for Madam Emily as her birthday present. Sheís worked on it 32 hours without a break, and now sheís angry and doesnít want to present it to her.

STARKY: Aah! And youíve declined to buy it, of course.

OLOMIR: In fact, Iíve bought it. I know my limits. Iím irresistible, I canít resist.

STARKY: Donít worry. Emily canít stand Valeryís pictures, she wonít blame you at all. You may get extra points.

OLOMIR: But this picture has special a purpose.

STARKY: What special purpose?

OLOMIR: I think it should have released Emily from your dreams.

STARKY: Let me see it!

 

They turn the picture so that Starky can see it.

 

OLOMIR: Itís perfect, thereís no objection.

STARKY: Fuck you! Thatís what keeps me from falling asleep! Now I get it!

OLOMIR: Sorry, what do you get?

STARKY: In order to release Emily of my dreams, Valeryís released me from sleeping. She doesnít care. She solved the problem using the famous method of cutting the Gordian knot. Thatís very much like her.

OLOMIR: Whatís very much like who?

STARKY: Valery believes that headache can be cured best by amputation  of the head. You must burn this!

OLOMIR: Are you crazy? I dare not! Iím not the inquisition!

STARKY: Then let her destroy it! Whereís she?

OLOMIR: She left to sleep.

STARKY: Iím going to wake her up.

OLOMIR: She told me not to take the risk of waking her up before Emilyís well into her 67 year.

STARKY: Iíll take a risk!

OLOMIR: Wait! It may lose power, if I take it to my house and hang it on the staircase.

STARKY: On the staircase? Super! All works of art lose their power if theyíre hung on the staircase. But she must pay me for this!

OLOMIR: How do you mean she must pay you?

STARKY: Somehow... For example sheíll fall in love with you. And you should screw her a bit.

OLOMIR: No chance, she doesnít notice me at all.

STARKY: She doesnít notice anyone. Be a man, attract her attention, and Iíll do the rest of the work.

OLOMIR: If only you could do that!

STARKY: I can do everything, Iím her child. But promise youíll screw her a little, later.

OLOMIR: How much is that ďa littleĒ?

STARKY: Well, as if you pulled someboyís ear.

 

Angela enters. She inmediatelly kisses Starky, excited.

 

ANGELA: Whereíre mum and granny?Your sis kisses you. Would you like to be an uncle?

STARKY: Which turn do you want me to take in answering your questions?

ANGELA: First , would you like?

STARKY; I donít know. In fact, I may like it, but Iím not delighted to

           be uncle to a gangsterís child...

ANGELA: Youíre all still angry with me?

STARKY: Iíve never been angry with you.

ANGELA: What about mum and granny, they are angry? Whereíre they?

OLOMIR; Madam Valeryís too tired and I think sheís sleeping.

STARKY; Have the  two of us made a deal?

OLOMIR; Well, yes, we have.

ANGELA; Is it possible that she wonít come down for her motherís birthday party?Iíve got something very important to tell her.

STARKY; With her everythingís possible! But Iím afraid thereís the possibility Emilyís not coming down to her birthday party either!

ANGELA; Mickyís astonished by the situation heís found himself in. This may finish him,  I mean, make him angry.

STARKY: And youíve run away out of fear of Valeryís mood to the fear of  Mickyís anger. Very stupid for a young lady of your rank.

ANGELA: How do you like daddy?

STARKY: Rag- man.

ANGELA: Iíd say it too. Fancy, if weíd had to bear him through all our  childhood !?

STARKY: Iíd break a pair of his glasses every day, and a windscreen on  holidays.

ANGELA: How longís he staying?

STARKY: I donít know. It was your wish to invite him.

ANGELA: How could I suppose whatís he like?

OLOMIR: Excuse me, itís hard for me to follow your enigmatic conversation. What astonishing situationís your husband found down there?

ANGELA: Heís not my husband! Come and throw a look, sir. Starky, Iíll  stay at home.

STARKY: Youíre coming back home? I like it. But why?

ANGELA: Because Iíve got somewhere to come back to, but I must wake up Valery.

STARKY: On what excuse?

ANGELA: Iím afraid Micky wonít let me go, and sheís the only one who  can face him.

STARKY: I suppose, he hasnít brought his gorillas again?

ANGELA: No, he hasnít, but theyíre everywhere around the house.

STARKY: Havenít I told you weíre going to have the Trojan war here. Weíre going to solve the problem by using our brains. Weíre aware weíre not as strong in the bicepses. Take it easy, youíve got your brother.

ANGELA: You canít match him, Iím afraid. Letís wake up mum.

OLOMIR: Madam Valeryís explicitly forbidden...

STARKY: Donít be afraid. Mr Cutterís going to help us.

OLOMIR: Iíll help, of course, but as soon as I realise whatís going on.

 

 The three of them leave.

 

                Scene 15. - A CHANCE TO GROW UP

 

In the dining room. Natalie has taken off Luckyís clothes, so that he wears

only his pants, socks and shoes, but they go on playing cards. Little Violet

charms Micky.

 

LITTLE VIOLET: He doesnít look respectful in this state although, sometimes heís quite respectful, but very rarely, to tell the truth.

MICKY; Who?

LITTLE VIOLET; Your father-in-low, Lucky.You donít like him?

MICKY; I canít stand farcical situations!

LITTLE VIOLET; You look like that, but you should be more flexible,

        otherwise you'll flip out in your early fourties.             

MICKY; As soon as BrightyĎd told me he appeared from the past I didnít know how to behave.Why hasnít she come yet?

NATALIE; Which Brighty?

MICKY; My wife.

NATALIE; Youíve taken away Angela from here.Sheís not your wife  yet, donít forget it!

MICKY; Perhaps she isnít, but she will be. Sheís pregnant, and the childís mine.

NATALIE: The child may be yours too, if she decides to marry you. You couldnít have changed her surname, so youíve changed her first name!

LUCKY: She has to marry if  sheís pregnant. A child needs a father.

LITTLE VIOLET: Lucky, Iím afraid you could  hardly be the right  person to prove such a problematic thesis.

NATALIE: Youíd rather watch the game.Youíll look less respectable when I take your pants off!

MICKY: Could I ransom the gentlemanís clothes in order to stop the game?

LITTLE VIOLET; Lucky, you have more luck than you weigh. The gentleman, your son-in-law finds the situation unpleasant.

NATALIE; This isnít the gentlemanís casino. I run the bank here. After all Iím sick of winning.(to Micky) Give me the money!

 

Micky drops one banknote after another, and after every second or the

third one Natalie throws a piece of clothing to Lucky, who puts it on.

 

MICKY: Well, being her father, you agree she should marry me.

LUCKY: She should, certainly.

LITTLE VIOLET: Heís not the kind of father who must be obeyed.

LUCKY: (to Little Violet) Next time when you try to persuade me to   drop in some place bear in mind that weíll take different paths.

LITTLE VIOLET: Thereís no such place, you can escape from  yourself, but for my sake youíre free to escape at once, if it  helps you to solve your problem! Iíve reached my destination.

NATALIE: (to Micky) As for money. All right. Thatís enough...

 

Angela, Olomir and Starky enter carrying snacks.

 

NATALIE: Whereíve you been? Do I have to pu up with all boring guests? And hell, when does the birthday party begin?

STARKY: I think it can start at once...

LITTLE VIOLET: How can it start without the birthday girl?

OLOMIR: She might not come down...

LUCKY: Everythingís possible in this house. There may not be any food.

MICKY: And madam Valery? Iíve got a very to have serious talk with her.

STARKY: Madam Valery isnít available for serious talks today, because  sheís sleeping. I can replace her, and my answer is: Never!

ANGELA: Starky, take it easy, what tactics!

MICKY: The answer to what?

STARKY: The answer to your question about the wedding date!

MICKY: Brighty, letís go home! Mumís sleeping. Emily, the birthday lady's 

         absent. Whatíre we doing here?

STARKY: Angela is at home, and bon voyage to you. And pick up all your wild animals you disposed of round the house.

LUCKY: I donít know whatís going on here?

LITTLE VIOLET: Iím going to explain it to you later!

STARKY: Evacuate your dirty monkeys first and then yourself.

MICKY: Little fellow, havenít you been taught not to put your little nose and fingers everywhere? That may be dangerous!

LUCKY: I donít understand what menagerie are they talking about?

LITTLE VIOLET: Stop being proud of your stupidity! Theyíre talking about the gorillas disposed of in the yard.

LUCKY:( after having looked out of the window) Weíre surrounded for heavenís sake! Naturally, when Valery becomes related to...  I knew it!

LITTLE VIOLET: Donít tremble, you know I canít stand cowards!Lucky, sit down over there!

MICKY: ( to Starky) As madam gambler would say, you, little gay, arenít respectable! Brighty, get ready!

ANGELA: You see Starky, havenít I told you? Granny, what should I do now?

NATALIE: Sit down, let me teach you bridge. It helps one to relax.

OLOMIR: Disgusting man canít you see you are unwanted here!? Get out of this house while weíre still in good mood and leave the girl alone! This isnít the eighteenth century! No love by force!

MICKY: And you old body, ask for a hand massage again! Sheís not a girl but a carrier of my child. Iím taking her home. Brighty!

LITTLE VIOLET: Youíve got a slaveowner attitude, Mr Bumper! It gets on my nerves too! Sheís not an incubator!

STARKY: ( to Olomir) Mum Little Violet is an ally. Pay attention!

MICKY: Why should I be burdened by the state of your nerves? Give me my wife back, otherwise Iím going to call my men!

ANGELA: And Iím going to call my mum! (Angela moves but Starky restrains her)

STARKY: Let mum sleep.

LITTLE VIOLET: ( to Micky) I wouldnít recommend it to you, Drill, men may change colours. Thatís fashionable.

OLOMIR: It seems to me theyíve known each other before...

MICKY: Weíre not so close that you can call me by my nickname! Whoíre you to interfere in my family life?

LITTLE VIOLET: Iím your spare mother-in-law. Lucky, say something! Itís your daughter!

LUCKY: Valeryís forbidden me to interfere. After all, Iím hungry. What kind of a birthday party is it without any food? Iíve heard somebody talking about a roast pig. What about the cake weíve saved from burning?

NATALIE: Fuck the conflict when the master of the gameís sleeping! Iím going to wake Valery up when noone elseís got guts.

STARKY: Great granny, let me gow up. I suppose, I can protect my sister from an ordinary scoundrel.

 

Natalie leaves.

 

MICKY: If it relates to me, itíll cost you much, little boy.

LITTLE VIOLET: ( to Starky) We are dealing with an ordinary scoundrel here, son. All the facts arenít available to you.

OLOMIR: You see, theyíve already met. I smply feel uneasy for having such good powers of observation.

STARKY: When mum sleeps, then step-mother intrudes on me. How could I express my personality?( to Micky) Get out of my house! Leave my sister alone before I don't lose my selfcontrol! Donít look at  me like at a pickled gherkin jar! Good bye!

 

Natalie comes back.

 

NATALIE: I canít wake her up. Have you given her anything against waking up?

OLOMIR: Against waking up? Nothing!

MICKY: Whatíre you going to do now when the only rival equal to meís sleeping? Give me Brighty if youíre willing to live a bit longer. Anyway Iíll take her!

LITTLE VIOLET: A man loses the game, if he dosnít count out his  rivals well...

LUCKY: Why do you interfere again, donít you see what youíve taken on?!

STARKY: I donít give her to you. I dare you to take her away!

ANGELA: All right, let me go, he wonít hurt me. Donít you see, he loves me?

STARKY: If you give in now, youíll never grow up.

ANGELA: And why should I grow up? Donít you see how dangerous it is.

STARKY: It may be dangerous, but itís exciting! If we donít use the  chance while mumís sleeping, sheíll never let us.

ANGELA: Well, it is exciting, but we donít have any chance.

OLOMIR: Weíre going to break them to pieces. Weíre not made of shit.  Go aside, Angela.

LUCKY: Are you crazy? Theyíre armed to the teeth, and we are naked as pistols.

LITTLE VIOLET: Lucky, go and ask a lawyer to arrange a divorce!

LUCKY: Iím going for sure. Iím sick of your curiosity.

 

Lucky goes out. Olomir and Starky take all available things to fight like

knives, chairs. Natalie supports them. Little Violet is calm.

 

NATALIE: Poor Lucky, every wife drives him off.

MICKY: Weíre finishing the story. I havenít got more time. Brighty, letís go!

ABGELA: My nameís Angela, and I wonít go anywhere.

MICKY: All right, donít say later I was rough.

 

Mickey whistles. Others get ready to fight. Two gorillas get in carrying

black and blue Lucky. They drop him on the floor.

 

MICKY: Join those two to him.

 

Gorillas look at Little Violet. Starky and Olomir get ready to fight.

 

 

MICKY: Havenít I said something?

LITTLE VIOLET: Deliver the gentleman to this address!

 

Gorillas handle Micky briefly and carry him away.

 

MICKY: Whatíre you  doing? Not me, them...

LITTLE VIOLET: Iíve told you they can change colour.

 

Gorillas carry Micky away.

 

OLOMIR: It wasnít necessary. We could have managed it by ourselves. Weíve had some old scores to pay off.

LITTLE VIOLET : My scores are older.

ANGELA : Whatís happened, granny?

NATALIE: Nothing. Weíve won, but I donít know how.

STARKY: Itís all a plot against me. They donít let me solve my problem. I fuck solution like this!

LITTLE VIOLET: Donít be angry! Youíre a brave boy, but you canít win without a bit of luck. You can reckon youíve won.

STARKY: Come to my room, to show you what kind of a boy I am!

ANGELA: Shame on you!

NATALIE: I like you, madam, but Iíd like to know who you really are.

LITTLE VIOLET: Itís a long and complicated story. In short Iím a "past time cleaner". Micky dirtied that part  of his life.

NATALIE: Emily wonít believe me ,when I tell her.

ANGELA: Does it mean Iím free now? I donít understand anything.

LITTLE VIOLET: Iíll tell you all about it later, once when I drop in to have  coffee with you. Iím your ex-stepmother, anyway. I can call in, canít I? Now Iím in a hurry. Good bye.Iím  pleased to meet you.

STARKY: Iíd be even more pleased if we met.

LITTLE VIOLET: Look after Lucky till the divorce.

 

Little Violet leaves.

 

NATALIE: Valeryíll get crazy because she missed the fun.

  

Emily enters carrying the cake with many candles.

 

EMILY: I could resist everything except the cake made without me.

STARKY: Olomir, youíve got the point. Be ready to win.

EMILY: Happy birthday to me!I know the storyís over. The noisecould be heard in the attic. Who would like a piece of cake?

OLOMIR: What a stupid question? All of us would like one.

NATALIE: Iím the oldest. Me first.

ANGELA: And Iím the youngest.

NATALIE: First me because I can kick the bucket  at any moment.   Youíve got time.

STARKY: Iíd like to taste the fatal cake too. Olomir, you won out

OLOMIR: I can see. The only difference is thatís not the one I aimed for.

 

All of them are engaged in eating the cake, so Valeryís arrival isnít

noticed.

 

VALERY: Mummy, pass me a piece of cake too. Iím hungry.

EMILY: And you, give me my birthday present.

VALERY: I havenít got it now. Iíll buy you it tomorrow.

EMILY: Then youíll get the cake tomorrow. If somethingís left.

VALERY: Could I get a piece on credit?

EMILY: Youíd like it right now? Donít say later Iím a vengeful person.

VALERY: Give it to me.

 

Emily takes a piece of cake and hits Valery full in the face and bursts

into laughter.

 

EMILY: There you are. You see, Iím not a vengeful person.

OLOMIR: Alas! Don't react, please.

VALERY: It doesnít matter, if it pleased you. Iíll forgive this to you and thatís my birthday present. But next time donít waste cakes.

OLOMIR: Valery-cherie, how did you manage to awake up at all?

VALERY: Have you thought I wonít awake until you kiss me? I havenít taken what youíve given me.

OLOMIR: Does it mean that you donít trust me?

VALERY: No, I donít. I guessed youíre a dangerous man.

OLOMIR: Me, dangerous? Donít say so...

STARKY: Donít be stupid, Olomir. Youíre dangerous if she needs it. Donít miss the chance. She canít resist dangerous men.

OLOMIR: O.K, I am dangerous. Iím terrible dangerous.

VALERY: Watching you through the cream, youíve become somehow more handsome.

OLOMIR: Iíve become ď dangerouslyĒ handsome, if you say so. Take my piece, I donít like cakes.

 

Love at first sight. Olomir feeds her with his piece of cake. From this

moment on they work and act everything looking full in the eyes.

 

NATALIE: Valery, are you aware that youíre in the finished work syndrome and that you can fall in love.

STARKY: Itís too late. Itís all over now.

VALERY: Nonsense. Granny, Iíve an idea. You should study psychology.

EMILY: To study? At her age?

NATALIE: Whatís wrong with my age? I know the woman whoís got  her PhD at 92.

VALERY: Oly could teach you.

OLOMIR: If you say so, Valery ...( and swallows ďcherieĒ)

ANGELA: Look at this, for the cakeís sake!

STARKY: Hush! Thatís our chance to grow up. Play something.

 

Angela plays a love tune. Valery and Olomir sit down on Lucky and

feed each other.

 

EMILY: Children, you can carry Lucky away, he may catch a cold here.

STARKY: Granny, donít spoil the atmosphere!

ANGELA:( to Emily) Let it be as it is. Weíll do it later.

 

                    Happy END